


Kind Of Woman

by sassenachwriter



Category: Outlander & Related Fandoms, Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: F/M, Scotland, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-07-01 07:13:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 36,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15769179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sassenachwriter/pseuds/sassenachwriter
Summary: When she was six, Claire Beauchamp traveled through the stones with her uncle. Thirteen years later, she becomes a healer at Lallybroch, where she meets Jamie, a young lad she shows what love is and all that goes with it.





	1. The Healer

**Author's Note:**

> Big shout out to the amazing MClairefras for doing the beta of this story!

Thirteen years after going through the stones on Craig Na Dun, I found myself living on the streets, homeless in Edinburgh; dying in the cold winter of the Scottish lowlands.

When I was six, my uncle Lamb brought me through the stones. I didn’t understand at the time, but as I grew up, he thought it important to tell me where we came from.

1924\. There were tensions in Europe and after the Great War, Lamb didn’t want to witness another bloody event like this one. So we traveled together and arrived in 1724, two hundred years before, where we opened a small apothecary store in Paris. We lived there for almost ten years. I spent time between the store, where he taught me everything about plants and their medicinal purpose and Mother Hildegarde’s hospital, where she taught me how to heal the sick. It wasn’t the usual upbringing for a young girl, but I wasn’t a usual little girl.

My uncle died of a pneumonia, in the Hôpital des Anges only ten years after our arrival, and it nearly broke me. Mother Hildegard gave me money and put me on a ship for Scotland, where I was to be taken under the charge of a wise woman. Except, when I went to the wise woman’s shop, it was burnt down into a large pile of ashes. I was sixteen and lost in a city I didn’t know, with nothing of my own except the clothes on my back.

Scotland is where I met Master Raymond. Dressed like a man, to keep me safe, as Mother Hildegard had forced me to, I walked into his apothecary shop and asked for a job. He rented me a small room in the back store in exchange for my work. It didn’t last long however, a year later, I woke up one day to a letter from him, saying he had to run away from Edinburgh. After he left, the shop was closed and I ended up wandering in the streets of Edinburgh, searching for a place to sleep.

One cold October night, I stumbled upon a child in the street. He was sick and in pain and I didn’t have anything to give him – I barely managed to scrape enough for myself as it was.

I started working in a tavern, the clients didn’t notice I was a woman, too intoxicated to see clearly beyond the trousers and my hair shoved under a cap.

I worked for a few months, enough to buy food and rent a room for the child and I, but a sickness took him away after that. One night, with tears streaming down my face and shaky hands, I buried him in the closest cemetery and gave him the name of Quentin Beauchamp, after my late uncle.

I spent the next weeks wandering into the city, hungry and cold and desperate. I was on the brink of death when Ellen MacKenzie Fraser found me, on a night in early March.

“Good grace!” She exclaimed as I rushed into her, my only supper of the week falling on the ground, in the pig’s shit. “Fuck!” I screamed, desperate. My botanic knowledge wasn’t the only thing Lamb had taught me. “I’m sorry, Madame.” I said, suddenly scared she’d have me flogged. She seemed like an important woman, dressed and coiffed cleanly.

“It’s nae bother.” She smiled, realizing that I was a young woman and probably that I hadn’t washed in a very, very long time. “What’s yer name, deary?” She asked me, her motherly expression already warming me.

“Claire.” I looked into her kind blue eyes. “Claire Beauchamp.”

“My name is Ellen MacKenzie Fraser, Lady Broch Tuarach. Enchanted to meet ye.” She said with a smile, but then coughed.

“Are you alright, Madame?” I asked her, not quite knowing what the proper title to use was.

“Och, aye.” She smiled. “It’s just the season, I cough all the time.”

I was suddenly interested in her case. It had been a while since I had worked on a patient and the possibility of it made my heart beat faster and my hands twitch with the possibility. “It is a very deep cough. Have you tried thorn apple or jimson weed?” I asked her. While Mother Hildegard taught me how to heal with the 18th century method, Lamb taught me about the disease or treatments that weren’t known by physicians just yet.

“Why no!” She exclaimed, suddenly interested as well. “Are ye a healer then? Or a charmer?”

We were in the middle of the street, people walking everywhere around us on the Royal Mile.

“Something like that… There is an apothecary store down the street. Go there, buy the herbs and then wherever you can find it, a pipe.”

She burst out in a laugh. “A pipe? What for?” She asked, incredulous.

“To smoke the jimsonweed. It helps the inflammation in the lungs.”

She looked at me with strange eyes, as if I had just said the most insulting thing on earth. “Ah… Well then. Good day to ye, Mistress Beauchamp.”

She smiled at me, but not with the same warmth as she had previously and left me in the street.

For ten nights, I slept in the streets under a single, small blanket. I had only eaten a small bowl of porridge since my meeting with Ellen and I was pretty sure I was going to die when I saw her walking towards me in the street. At first, I thought I was hallucinating, but then she kneeled next to me and put her hand on my leg. “I need to talk to ye, Mistress Beauchamp.”

She brought me to a small apartment in Edinburgh and I was wrapped in a blanket, eating chicken soup with whisky, sitting at a table in front of her and the proprietor of the apartment. I knew I shouldn’t eat too much, it would hurt my stomach, but I was so hungry I could hardly stop myself. Finally, when there was no soup and the woman from the apartment asked me if I wanted more, I declined.

“I guess there is a reason for this?” I asked Ellen, making her smile in a lopsided way.

“You healed me.” Her eyes were warm and honest, making me long for my mother that I barely remembered. “At first, I thought ye were a charlatan, when ye talked about smoking wi’ a pipe. But I went to see a few doctors, nothing worked and I was desperate, so I tried it. And it worked.” She took a sip of whisky from her glass. “I wish to… Make a bargain with ye.”

I frowned, trying to look serious and not desperate, but could hardly contain my excitement. “What is it?”

“I come from a place called Lallybroch. It’s a beautiful home in the Highlands. I’d like ye to come wi’ me. We really are in need of a healer, the one we had died a few months ago. If ye agree to come live wi’ us, ye’ll have yer own room wi’ a fireplace, a warm bed, hot water and hot food.”

I couldn’t quite believe it. After almost a year of living on the streets, after almost losing hope, I had another chance. So I took it. “And a garden.” I added with a smile.

***

After two months, I loved my life at Lallybroch. Ellen’s family had welcomed me with warmth and happiness to see a new healer. I had a small room in the castle where I slept at night and another bigger room where I spent my days, healing the tenants’ cut, the cooks’ burns or mixing remedies.

Ellen and Brian Fraser seemed happy by the bargain and so did their daughter Jenny. She was a year older than me, but even if she tried to act formal with me, I knew she wanted us to be friends. She’d often come and find me in my surgery, asking about plants and ointments.

“Well, for now I don’t have that many plants. They are just starting to grow. I can only use those that were already here, but I don’t know much about most of them.” I said honestly, cleaning my hands on my white apron.

She left, sometime later, with aremedy for her father’s headache and I concentrated back on the book I had opened about surgery that I had found in Ellen’s library. To my horror, the methods used were not quite the same Lamb had taught me.

A loud bang on my door almost made my heart stop. A tall, red headed scot entered, his left hand wrapped in a cloth. “Ye’re the surgeon, then?” He asked with a grimace.

“Yes. And you are?” I raised my eyebrows.

“Jamie.” He said, sitting on my table without asking permission or any form of courtesy.

Alright, then.

“What happened to you, Jamie?” I placed my hand gently on his knee.

He smiled at me, through clenched teeth, making me smile. He had quite a funny face. “I cut my hand opened, in the stables.”

It was a deep cut. After disinfecting it, I, for the first time, stitched his hand. I was nervous, but didn’t let it show on my face. It wasn’t actually the first time, but it was the first time I did it without Mother Hildegard looking over my shoulder.

“I didna ken we had a new surgeon. A woman, that is.” He joked, but I pierced his flesh with the needle, making him groan.

“Aye.” I said, making him smile.

“Where did they find ye, now? A lass like ye should nae already be wi’ child? No’ stitching in a farm. An a sassenach at that.”

I didn’t know if his accent was stronger because he was trying to impress me or if he really spoke in such a non coherent way.

I pierced him again and this time, he breathed through his teeth. “Have ye ever held a needle before? At the very least?”

I shot my eyes at him. “How dare you speak to me like this!” I exclaimed. I angrily finished stitching up his hand and got up, giving him a lotion. “Put that on for a week. If you have no fever until then, come back here so I take the stitches off. After that, I hope I never see you again.” I said, my dignity making him chuckle.

“Thank ye, Mistress.” He said, walking towards the door and stood in the frame. “For no’ making my hand worse than it already was.” He attempted a wink – failing considerably – and walked out of my surgery, not bothering to close the door on his way out.

“The bastard!” I huffed and angrily put away my needles and cloths, hoping I never saw him again after his hand was healed.

***

Still angry after my meeting with Jamie, I walked to the kitchen, taking the path outside, breathing some fresh air before entering the house. The breeze was cold, making me rush immediately into the main door.

When she heard me enter, Ellen Fraser ran to me. “Claire! There ye are! I see ye’ve met my son! Jamie, come here, laddie!”

Jamie?! I knew the name was familiar. Brian and Ellen’s youngest child, who had spent the last year at Castle Leoch, on the MacKenzie lands. So the prodigious son was back, then.

“Nice to see ye again, Mistress Beauchamp.” He smiled at me, mischief clear in his blue eyes.

“Yes, nice indeed, Mister Fraser.” I bowed and he took my hand in his, gently kissing each of my knuckles, making my face flush.

The dinner was served and we sat around the table, Brian, Ellen, Jenny, Jamie and their cousin Fergus or Claudel, depending on who was calling the young Frenchman.

Brian, Ellen and Jenny called him Claudel, which was his real name. I’d always called him Claudel, but apparently Jamie thought Claudel was an horrible name for a scot, so he called him Fergus. The boy didn’t seem to mind much, as far as witnessed since Jamie’s arrival, the boy was completely under the teenager’s charm.

Jamie spent the dinner talking about his time at Castle Leoch with his uncles and his friends he hadn’t seen since he was fourteen. I was surprised by how intelligent and well versed Jamie seemed. He was mature and very smart, completely the opposite of the boy I had met in my surgery only a few hours before. He asked about Lallybroch and the business around and of course, about me.

“Claire was living in the streets of Edinburgh, when I met her. She’d been living there for a year, almost a year.” Ellen corrected. “She helped me wi’ my cough. That’s how I kent she was not only talented with knowledge, but had a very kind heart. I’m glad I found her.” Ellen smiled, making my face glow. I was very fond of her. I had never had a mother, after all, my parents died when I was five. All my life, I’ve longed for a mother, someone to look up to, and someone to look after me. In France, even if i wished she had, Mother Hildegard had not been this figure to me. She didn’t have the natural love for children, in a motherly way like Ellen did. I felt like a part of her family.

Jamie seemed impressed, which made me blush. I didn’t know why I needed him to approve of my being here so badly, but I was proud when Ellen told him all the bad injuries I had healed.

Once the dinner ended, Brian went to his office, asking his wife to come with him, but she told she would join him in a bit. “I fetched some hot water to yer room, if ye want to wash.” Ellen told me with a smile and a warm hand on my shoulder.

“Thank you.” I said, more than happy. I had been dreaming of washing up for two days now.

“There is a clean shift on yer bed. I’ll send Jamie to bring ye more wood later, if ye dinna mind?”

“Of course not.” Apart from Lamb, no one had ever treated me so well in my life. I couldn’t be happier.

A sigh of relief escaped my lips when I entered the small tub. I barely fit it, but the water was very hot, comforting after a long spring day spent in my surgery. I washed my hair and body with the new lavender scented soap I had made, content by the smell of it. When the water started to cool off, I got out and walked to the bed, naked as a worm, when the door of my bedroom opened.

“Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ!” I exclaimed, covering myself with my hands.

Jamie stared at me with wide eyes, the tip of his ears turning pink. The cold coming from the door was making my nipples stand up. He then looked away, seeming mildly embarrassed. “Christ! I’m sorry Mistress.”

I moved quickly behind the bed to get my shift.

“Are ye covered now?” He looked back at me to see that in fact, I wasn’t yet covered, but gave him the most clear view on my buttocks.

“No!” I cried, jumping in my shift, hastily putting it on. “Now.” I said, taking a breathe.

“I came to bring ye some wood. May I come in?” He asked, hesitantly looking at me.

I nodded, feeling very naked in my shift. He had seen me naked, after all. Twice. “Thank you.”

I noticed him look around the room when he bent to put the wood down, to my dirty clothes on the floor, to the bath and to the soap. The room however did have a feminine touch and scent. He coughed and got up, his eyes lingered on me, dark and perhaps longing hidden behind his steel gaze? “Good night, Mistress.” He smiled at me and left my room, this time, closing the door behind him.


	2. The Friend

Jenny let out a loud scream, ‘‘Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ!’’ She exclaimed, lying on my surgery table, her skirt lifted up to her knees and her fists curled up against her thighs.

‘‘You shouldn’t speak like me. I don’t think your parents would love it.’’ I said biting my lip, concentrating on my work before me.

She smiled, even if sweat was pearling on her forehead. ‘‘Aye, yer right.’’ She stayed silent for a moment, looking at my hands on her leg. ‘‘Who’s Roosevelt, I’ve always wondered?’’

It was my uncle who always said that, no matter the circumstances. He never told me where he got it or what it meant. ‘‘I don’t really know, actually.’’ I remembered Lamb telling me about him, but didn’t quite remember who he exactly was other than it was related to politics and at eleven, I didn’t care about 1900’s politics.

‘‘Do you want me to stop?’’ I asked Jenny, but she shook her head, so I applied another layer of hot wax on her leg and pulled the strip off, yanking her hair out.

She screamed again, through clenched teeth, making me chuckle. ‘‘Ye’ll see Claire Beauchamp, when it’s yer turn, ye willna be laughing anymore.’’

I looked up at her with bright eyes and smiled. It was very exciting, to be waxing our legs for the first time, especially together. Jenny and I became very close during the month following Jamie’s return. She’d come with me into the woods to find herbs or I’d go with her to find fruits in the fields. After weeks of spending time together, she realized that she could have a friend in me.

One afternoon, she had come to see me in my surgery so I bandage the burn on her hand, left by the oven. I could feel her eyes intent on me as I tried to concentrate on my work.

‘‘I want to ask ye something… rather personal.’’ She said, the tips of her eyes turning pink, just like Jamie.

‘‘Yes?’’ I asked, rather surprised by the trust in her voice.

‘‘Have ye ever… Lied with a lad?’’

I lifted one eyebrow at her and she seemed suddenly unease. ‘‘I’m sorry if I offended ye…’’

‘‘It’s fine.’’ I smiled, making her wince as I put lotion on her hand. ‘‘In fact, I have. A while ago. Why are you asking me this?’’

Her face was red, but she kept serious. ‘‘I… Ian and I have been wanting to do it for a verra long time, but I’m always scairt I’ll… Ye know be wi’ child. I didna want to ask my mother – nae she’d kill me on the spot and exile him to the colonies – and I couldna really ask the healers before ye… They were all… Well…’’

‘‘Old grumpy men?’’ I suggested, making her smile. She seemed to relax at my attempt at humor.

‘‘Aye.’’

I finished bandaging her hand and got up to look into my medicines. ‘‘There are ways… My uncle told me about them when I was thirteen.’’ I smiled, remembering Lamb’s crimson red face as he tried to explain me how babies were not made in the 18th century. ‘‘But there’s always a chance it doesn’t work.’’ I told her all the techniques I knew, from boiling plants to washing with a vinegar soaked sponge, carefully explaining how to use them properly. ‘‘But there is always a chance… I mean they aren’t totally safe.’’

She nodded, seeming somehow scared. Jenny sat in silence, looking at the protection I had given her. I could see there was something more. ‘‘I’ve never… Done it before and I never really talked about it wi’ someone who had, but I hear all the time that it hurts and women dinna enjoy it much.’’

I sat next to her, remembering my first - and only - sexual experience. ‘‘If you are with someone you trust completely, it shouldn’t hurt.’’ Or so I’ve been told.

She looked at me with hopeful eyes. ‘‘Were ye? Wi’ someone ye trusted?’’

I hesitated. ‘‘Well… Yes… Well… Maybe not enough.’’ I was sixteen and very scared, but very needy. We were in France, my uncle had made friends with an important man and we saw him and his family often. Their son was about my age and after flirting around each other for days, we finally did it. It wasn’t long and it wasn’t romantic. I’d never do it again like that. ‘‘The thing is… If you trust them and they trust you, it should be fine. It won’t be perfect the first time, maybe not the time after, but once you find your comfort with this person it should be.’’ I waited for a moment, thinking. ‘‘There’s something… Uh… Frenchwoman did when I was in France.’’ I told her, hesitantly. ‘‘They say it’s very erotic.’’

Her cheeks turned red at the word. ‘‘What is it?’’ She asked, intrigued.

‘‘They… uh… they wax their hair.’’

So the following week, we were in my surgery, waxing each other’s hair off. I finished one of her legs and she looked at it with wild interest. ‘‘It’s verra soft.’’ She touched it, amazed.

‘‘Do you want me to do your armpits after that?’’ I asked her and she raised one brow at me. ‘‘I think they take it off as well.’’ I chuckled.

She laughed. ‘‘Christ! Do they take the hair off their head to?’’

‘‘No.’’ I smiled. ‘‘But somewhere else, yes.’’ I looked down on me so she’d know what I meant. Her jaw fell open and a small, choked laugh escaped her lips.

***

Jamie was always after me. Since he arrived, he always made sure I wasn’t in need of anything and if I was – he would be sure to fetch it. When I was alright, he’d stay to look after me or entertain me, as if I was bored in the surgery. Not that I minded the attention, on the contrary, I did enjoy his presence, but I could take care of myself without him.

The day after my waxing session with Jenny, I was in my garden, tending to my plants when I heard the crunch of leaves as he got closer to me. I turned my head, narrowing my eyes to see his big form block the sun that was streaming into my eyes. “You again.” I said, but smiled, very happy to see him.

Even if our meeting had not been perfect, Jamie had been very polite and kind with me afterwards. There was something attractive about him, something very boyish, but somehow manly that made me look at him when he walked away. He was always wearing his Fraser coloured kilt, exposing two beautiful long, thin legs. I liked him, especially after talking with him, one of the evenings following his arrival.

Ellen Fraser sent me to the village, to help an old woman who had injured her foot. After spending the day there, Jamie came to knock on the door, when the sun started to set. “We’d better leave if we didna want Fergus to eat everything before we arrive.”

We walked home in a comfortable silence, hearing only the songs of the birds in the surrounding calmness of the woods. “Can I ask you something?” I looked over at Jamie who was walking beside me.

“Anything.” He smiled, his arm brushing mine.

“What is going to happen to you? I mean…”

“What is the plan for my life?” He proposed with a lopsided smile. “Weel I’m the rightful Laird to Lallybroch. If something was to happen to my parents, I would be in charge. In a few years, my father wants me to go in Paris, at the université. My cousin lives there so I would live wi’ him while I study.”

“What would you be studying?”

He shrugged, seeming uncomfortable by the topic. “I dinna really ken.”

“You don’t want to go?”

He had his head bent, looking at his feet, clearly thinking about my questions. “It’s no’ that I dinna want to… I just like to be here, ye ken.” Jamie looked over at me, “I had a tutor when I was younger. He taught me Latin, French and a wee bit of Greek. I enjoy learning, but I canna stay sitting for hours and… I canna stay far from my home, Lallybroch, the Highlands and… Weel Scotland.” He shrugged again, finding some assurance. “But if my Da wants me to do it, I’ll make him proud.”

I stayed silent, trying to imagine the other possibilities Jamie had, even if it seemed he wasn’t the one deciding. “And about… I mean do you have someone…?”

“Am I promised?” He chuckled and shook his head. “Nah. My parents dinna believe in this. They married even if their parents didna want them together, so they always said they’d let me marry out of love, not out of duty. Same for my sister Jenny.”

“And?” I was a little embarrassed by my curiosity, but not knowing why, I felt an urge to know everything about him and about any relationships he might be into. “Surely there must be someone you’re interested in? Or someone interested in you?”

He turned his eyes to me, clear blue deep and intent on mine. “Nah. No one is interested in me.”

I smiled at his naïveté. Surely he didn’t know every lassie turned around to watch after him as he walked. “Nonsense.” I laughed, making him raise an eyebrow to me, a funny look his face. “All the girls are interested in you. You’re just too blind to see it.”

“I’m no’ blind, I’m just no’ interested.”

“So you do have someone in mind.” I said, my heart starting to hammer in my chest. Did I really want to know the truth? That Jamie was dreaming of someone when he slept and it wasn’t me?

“Why do ye care, by the way?”

I felt my cheeks turn crimson red. Why indeed?

“Ye want to know why one day I’ll come into yer wee surgery wi’ a broken heart to mend to?”

“Oh so you’re sure she’s not interested?” I asked, not knowing what game I was playing.

“I ken she is. She just doesna know it yet.” He smiled intently, his gaze weighing on me. Surely, he didn’t mean me, but he did made it look so. Damn him.

“What can I do for you today?” I asked him, getting up and shook the dirt off my skirt.

“I have good news for ye.” He smiled proudly. “My Mam said I could tell ye. We’ll be building a cabin for ye.”

“For me?” I asked, putting my hand on my eyebrows to shadow my eyes from the sun.

“Aye. A cabin with a room for yer wee surgery and a room where you have yer own home.”

I couldn’t help but smile. My own home. “But that’s wonderful!” I exclaimed with delight.

“Aye.” Jamie’s smile grew wide on his face. “Ian and I have been ordered to do it.” Ian Murray was Jamie’s best friend and Jenny’s secret-not-so-secret love interest. He was a very kind lad and had welcomed me with warmth. He lived in the nearest village next to Lallybroch with his family so we often saw him around with Jenny or Jamie.

I turned to go back to my plants, imagining my future life in the cabin. Jamie didn’t move to leave, so I turned to face him. “Is there something you want to ask me, Jamie?”

The day after Jamie’s return to Lallybroch - and the day he had seen me naked - he had insisted that we call each other by our first names. I didn’t know Jamie much, but I was pretty sure he had an eye on me, especially after his talk about the girl “who doesna know it yet”. Not only that, but I often caught him staring at me or making sure to spend time with me, whether in my surgery or walking in the woods to fetch plants. He never talked about it with me, always stayed polite and kind.

“Och, no.” He smiled. “It’s just that my Ma needs me to go to Inverness next week. I was wondering if ye’d like to come wi’ me?” The tip of his ears turned pink and his fingers were nervously drumming on his thigh. “I thought maybe ye’d like to come to buy some wee herbs or potions.”

I got up and crossed my arms on my chest. The idea was tempting, I could always welcome more herbs in my surgery and the idea of going into the civilisation again was exciting. As for voyaging with Jamie… “I’d like to.” I smiled. “Just… uhm… just the two of us?” I asked, feeling my face flush.

He froze a moment, then shook his head. “Weel… My father wants me to bring wee Fergus. To show him how to… Bargain.”

“Oh.” Surprised, I realized I was rather disappointed. The idea of being alone in the forest with Jamie, lying under the stars was interesting. “I’ll come.”


	3. The Voyage

“Brimstone?” I asked Jamie, gently patting the brown horse on the head.

“Aye.” He said, a smile in his voice. “Ye’re good wi’ horses.”

I looked up to meet his eyes, looking back tenderly at us. I knew Jamie loved horses and that he was good with them, he spent all his time in the stables, after all. “Well, not as good as you.”

“Ye ken how to ride?” He came to stand next to me, patting Brimstone’s neck.

“Yes. My uncle taught me when we were in France. It’s been a long time, though, I don’t know if I’m still any good at it.”

It turned out I had not lost all my faculties during those years. The reigns felt familiar in my hands and soon I was keeping pace with Jamie and Fergus. We rode in silence, taking the beauty in. I wasn’t feeling like a prisoner in Lallybroch, in fact, I really felt like a part of the family, but most of all, I felt needed there and loved every day I spent at the castle. But being on the run again, visiting a part of the country I had never been before made my heart beat faster.

Also, I couldn’t take my eyes off Jamie as we were riding. I always thought he looked nice, especially sexy in a kilt, but sitting on his horse, trousers on, his hair flying around his head and catching the light of the sun made him absolutely magnificent.

He turned around to look at me and caught me staring at him. The smile on his face grew wilder, making my cheeks burn in embarrassment. “We should start thinking about finding a camp for the night.”

We settled near a small water stream and found comfortable enough ground to sleep on. As Fergus went to find wood for the fire and Jamie went hunting for our dinner, I started building up windshields for the night. A few hours later, we were sitting around the fire, eating our dinner - cooked squirrel that is - with cheese, bread and whisky.

Fergus told a story about Robbie, a young lad from Lallybroch. They didn’t get along very well and Fergus couldn’t stand him. Jamie tried to tell him to appreciate the lad, but Fergus wouldn’t listen to him. “You don’t do that with Wylie!”

“Wylie? Who’s that?” I asked, taking the bottle of whisky from Jamie’s hands. The tip of his ears turned pink, lit by the fire.

“Phillip Wylie from the village. Jamie doesn’t like him because he is interested in you.” Fergus simply said.

Interested in me? “How does he know who I am?”

Jamie made a small, choked laugh. “Everyone around Lallybroch kens who ye are, Sassenach. Especially in the village, after ye healed the old lady wi’ her legs.”

I raised one eyebrow at him. “And what do you have to do with him? Why don’t you like him?”

“Because he’s jealous. Milord is interested in you, but he feels threatened by him. It’s pretty obvious, Mistress Beauchamp.” The young lad said with a smirk.

Jamie rushed to his feet. “Shut up, ye wee bastard!”

Fergus chuckled and turned to me. “It would be so much easier if he only talked to you.”

I looked up at Jamie, but he turned and went back to his sleeping spot, not saying anything about that. “Wylie is a lot of trouble and it has nothing to do with… the stories ye make up about Claire.” Jamie said clearly upset, his face turning red.

Once Fergus was asleep, Jamie and I were both looking at the fire in silence, watching the embers die down until he would add another log of wood. I didn’t want to speak, but kept thinking about what Fergus had said. Could it be true? They had a very good relationship, but strong enough for Jamie to confess his romantic feelings to a ten year old lad?

“How is Fergus related to you? I mean… How did he end up here, at Lallybroch?”

Jamie took a long sip of whisky, the flames of the fire making his deep blue eyes shine. He looked up at me, a faint smile on his face. “My father brought him back from France, about five years ago. He lived in a brothel. His mother was a whore, but he didna ken which one there. When my father went to Paris, he met a French businessman there and saw him, pickpocketing the clients. He was only five years old, but filled wi’ courage.” Jamie smiled proudly. “My father saw that in him and thought he deserved more than to play the whore to some nasty French noble men.”

“It was kind.” I said, looking at the young boy.

“We Frasers arena monsters, ye ken?” He joked.

“Not monsters, but you lot are stubborn as hell.”

He chuckled, looking at me before turning his eyes to the fire. He seemed lost in his thoughts, the flames dancing on his high cheekbones. “What about ye?” He asked, a moment later.

“What what about me?”

“I ken ye were living in Edinburgh when ye met wi’ my Mam. But before that? Do ye have parents somewhere?”

I licked my lips, swallowing hard. Nobody knew that Lamb and I where from the future. Perhaps it was a good thing, we didn’t want to be burnt for witchcraft, but I wished I could tell someone. Other than Lamb, there was nobody I could talk to and there were matters I didn’t want to speak of with him before. Now that he was dead, I was alone.

“My parents died when I was five years old… In a… Carriage accident. After that, I lived with my uncle in Paris, we owned a small apothecary store. It’s from him, my botany knowledge, you know? He died when I was sixteen. Then I came to Scotland and your mother found me two years later.”

“Ye lived for two years on yer own?” Jamie asked, shadow in his eyes.

I nodded, not wanting to talk about Little Quentin Beauchamp.

“Ye ken a great deal about loss, then.” He said, his voice hoarse. “I’m sorry, it must have been terrible. Losing everyone ye love and being alone.” Drowning in loneliness, yes. “I lost my older brother, when I was small. He died of smallpox when he was ten. My parents never really got over it. I think that’s why they brought ye and Fergus home wi’ them. They canna stand the sight of a helpless child.” His lower lip was trembling and I wanted to reach out to him, but he looked up at me with a sad, reassuring smile. “As much as wee Fergus is a lot of trouble, I like to have a little brother.”

“I thought he was your cousin.”

“Aye. Some say he’s my brother. No one kens where he is from. Save my parents and now ye.”

I started getting ready to sleep, wrapping my plaid around me. “We should sleep. It’s been a long day. Goodnight, Jamie.” I almost didn’t hear his response and fell asleep.

***

Two days later, after making a few stops on our way, we arrived in Inverness. It wasn’t a big city in comparison to Paris or Edinburgh, but it was big enough after spending three months in the Scottish Highlands.

We rented two small rooms in a pub where we slept only for two nights. The beds were not comfortable and the noise coming from downstairs was very loud, but it was more comfortable than the forest floor.

I heard two shy knocks on my door and went to open it.

“We are going, Fergus and I. We have some people to meet around town so we probably won’t be back until nightfall.” Jamie said on the second day and I nodded. “I would suggest ye to… stay in here.”

“Why?”

“Well…” He started, shyly looking down at his feet. “Ye’re a beautiful woman and… alone in the streets… it could be dangerous wi’ no one to protect ye.”

“I don’t need anyone to protect me!” I said, rather scandalized. “I can watch over myself. Many women walk alone in the streets! Are Highlanders really brutes, then?”

He clenched his jaw and breathed through his nose. “Stubborn woman.” He cursed. “Do as ye wish, but I didna think ye’d mine for me worrying about ye.”

Jamie turned on his heels and walked away, leaving me half angry, half surprised. Maybe Fergus was right about him.

Sometime later – ignoring Jamie’s advice – I left the pub and walked into the streets in search of an apothecary store. I asked a young man in the street and he send me to a shop called Rose Hall Apothecary Store. I pushed the door and entered, a small bell announcing my arrival.

A ginger haired woman came into view, welcoming me with a smile. “Hello, my name is Claire Beauchamp. I come from Lallybroch.” I introduced myself. She smiled and walked behind her counter.

“I’m Geillis Duncan, owner of this store.” She looked to be around my age and I wondered how she managed to own this store all by herself. “What are you looking for?”

I had written down all the herbs and liquids I needed to complete my surgery. She seemed surprised by some plants I mentioned. “You have a good knowledge in plants. Where did ye learn?”

“My uncle taught me. He was a physician.”

“And ye are too, I presume.” She smiled with glittering eyes.

I nodded and she started to look around her shop for the items I wanted to buy. While she did it, I walked around and came face to face with the most beautiful vase I had ever seen. “Is this for sale?” I asked her, pointing to the blue glass vase.

She turned around, her red hair flying around her face as she did. “No, it isn’t.”

Rather disappointed, I went back to the counter and waited until she came back with all the herbs I wanted. “Have ye been here long?” She asked me.

“Well… I’ve lived in Edinburgh for almost two years, before I came to the Highlands, a few weeks ago. Before that though, I lived in Paris. And you?”

“Not sae long.” She smiled. She was weird, alright. Her smile was sending shivers down my spine and her green eyes had a mystical-like glint to them.

“But you’re scottish, right?”

“I am. And ye are British.” She chuckled and came back to the counter with all my herbs gathered. After I paid, she told me to wait a minute. Geillis went to take the vase from the shelf and wrapped it into newspapers. “It’s not to sell, but I’ll give it to you. Count it as a gift of friendship .”

I smiled, touched by her gift. “Why thank you!”

“I hope ye make a home in the Highlands. Next time ye come to Inverness, come see me, aye?”

***

“Jesus H. Fucking Roosevelt Christ!” I sighed, annoyed by the depth of the cut on Jamie’s eyebrow.

“It’s nae so bad!” He exclaimed, scandalized by my vocabulary.

“No, of course not! But there is also the hand and the ribs and the lip…” He had gotten into a tavern fight while he was dealing with the owner to sell the whisky they made at Lallybroch. Two men had started to hit each other and he had joined, Fergus followed him of course. Fortunately, the drunk men had been conscious enough not to hit a ten year old lad. “Do you always need to get involved when there is a fight?”

“I didna have much choice, the man attacked me. What did ye want me to do?” Jamie said grumpily, sitting on the table in my room. It was dark, so I had lit up dozens of candles to see clearly as I mended his injuries – again.

I was quiet, standing between his legs. “It will hurt a bit.” I said and started stitching his eyebrow. He grunted and breathed heavily as I worked, blood dripping on his face, but he never said anything. We were so close to each other that his breath was warm on my neck and the heat of his body reached me through my clothes. “There.” I said, once I finished. He looked at me with deep blue eyes, his mouth inches from mine, making me want to kiss him terribly.

Jamie did too, because he leaned forward and brushed his lips against mine. I didn’t move, neither did he.

“Milord!” Fergus opened my bedroom door, cold air and loud noises entering with him. I pushed away from Jamie, reluctantly breaking the almost kiss and took a step back. “Oh…” Fergus said, uneasy.

“What Fergus?” Jamie asked, getting off the table.

“Can we go eat, now?”

Jamie sighed and as soon as he nodded, Fergus ran down the stairs. Then he turned to look at me, an odd look on his face. I felt my cheeks go red. “I’m sorry.” He said. “I shouldna have tried to kiss ye.”

“I didn’t mind.” I said, looking down on my feet. After a moment, when Jamie didn’t answer, I shot my eyes up at him to see his stare intensify on me, making me burn with desire.

“Goodnight.” He said with a shy smile and turned to leave, closing the door behind him.

***

As exhausted as I was after the days of traveling and my day walking around Inverness, the ghost of Jamie’s lips on mine kept me from drifting off to sleep.

Did it mean anything for him? Clearly, he felt for me the same way I felt for him. I should be happy because of this, but I realized that it was scaring me more than anything. I did like him very much and wanted him badly; my body was aching for him at night, but I remembered what he had told me about his future. University, Laird of Lallybroch, an imminent wedding whether it was out of love or not. All things I either couldn’t be part of or didn’t belong to. I was a healer, not a Lady and the last place I wanted to go was Paris, where I had lived with my uncle. Add to all of this Jamie’s parents. I highly doubted they’d like me to become Madame Fraser.

“What the hell, Beauchamp?’’ I murmured. Was I really thinking about marrying Jamie?

A small sound from the outside of my door took me out of my reverie, like if someone was standing outside of the room. My blood frozen in my veins, I held my breath, waiting to hear anything else. I thought it might be from another room, but then I heard it again, clear and loud, just on the front step of my room. I got up, candlestick in hand and opened the door.

As I went to hit the person on the head with it, Jamie took a step back, hands in the air. “Christ! Have ye gone mad, Sassenach?”

He was standing close the other wall, a scared look on his face, his hair up on his head. I couldn’t help but chuckle at the sight.

“Earlier ye were yelling at me for always getting hurt and now ye want to hit me on the head wi’ a candlestick. Ye’re hard to follow.’’ He said, the corner of his mouth curling up.

“What are you doing here? Spying on me?’’

“No. I wanted to make sure nobody from the tavern would come up looking for yer room.’’

“Why would anyone… I mean nobody knows I’m here!’’ I said, rather confused.

He let out a small laugh. “Ye think no one saw ye climb the stairs? All the men looked at ye as soon as ye entered the place. I didna understand how ye didn’t see it and then ye say ye can take care of yerself.’’

“So you sleep on my doorstep in case some drunk man tries to walk into my room?’’ I asked with one raised eyebrow. Jamie flushed and nodded shyly. I closed my arms over my chest, it was much cooler than inside my room. “It’s freezing, at least come inside. It will be warmer.’’ I realized the words as they escaped my lips, making my cheeks go red. I hoped Jamie had not noticed, but by the smile on his face, he definitely had.

“Thank ye, Claire, but I also want to keep an eye on Fergus.’’ He said, but his eyes were saying something else.

“Let me give you the blanket off my bed, at least.’’

“Nae, dinna fash, it’s alright.’’ He told me, but nonetheless I went to pick it and give it to Jamie. He let out a small laugh that sounded more like a breath and took it, his finger brushing mine, sending electricity through my entire body.

I cleared my throat and took a step back. “Well… Goodnight, Jamie.’’


	4. The Duel

The days following our trip to Inverness went by fast. Many people came to my surgery badly injured and I was more than happy to have all the new herbs and liquids from Geillis’ store.

I barely got to speak with Jamie, both of us being incredibly busy. He and Ian had started to build the house that would become my surgery and my own home, just beside the main house. Now, many people from the village were asked by the Frasers to help them with it. Ellen and Brian showed me on paper what it will look like; the house will be separated in two parts. The front part will be my surgery, with big windows for light and space to stock my herbs. A wall will separate the surgery from the second part, which will be my home. A small kitchen, since Ellen still wanted me to eat my suppers with them, a small library and a bedroom, all of these in the same room. “But it will be a big room!” She told me.

I couldn’t wait to settle there. I loved my small room in the castle, but really longed for a place to call my home. The vase Geillis had given me was still patiently waiting in the newspaper, I was stubbornly waiting until the house was done to put it out on display.

“Excuse me, Mistress?” Said a voice coming from the door of my surgery.

“Yes?” I asked, turning around to see a young man standing in the doorframe.

“May I come in?” After waiting for my approval, the lad entered my surgery, closing the door behind him. His hair was long and tied with a ribbon and I was pretty sure he had a fake mole near his mouth. “You will be the new surgeon, Mistress Claire Beauchamp?” He smiled politely, his thick English accent making my mouth curl up. One of my own.

“Yes. And you are…?”

He made an amused sound in his throat and took my hand in his. “Phillip Wylie, at your service.” He bowed and kissed my hand.

I fell a small knot on my stomach. Phillip Wylie, the lad Fergus had talked about during our trip to Inverness. Clearly, I could see why Jamie didn’t like him. There was something… presumptuous about him. “Well… I am enchanted, Mister Wylie. Is there uh… Are you injured, then?”

“Unfortunately, I must say I am, Mistress.” He made a sad, dramatic smile and touched his heart. “I was kicked by a horse.”

Lifting one eyebrow, I guided him to a chair and told him to take his coat off. “In front of you?” Wylie asked, scandalized.

“Well, if you want me to see to that, yes.” I crossed my arms on my chest, tired of hearing about all the man’s protests when it came to matters like this.

Finally, he did as I told him and I started to inspect him. It was nothing serious, mostly he’d get a bruise or two. I gave him suggestions, like to massage the muscle and waited as he dressed back up again.

“I would very much like to thank you, for your kindness towards me.” The Englishman said, getting up.

“It’s nothing, really…” I tried to make him understand that his pain was mostly superficial, but he didn’t seem to understand. “It’s my job…”

“Yes, but I’ve seen healers before you. They didn’t have your kind touch…” Phillip Wylie said, taking my hand and kissing it again, rather fervently.

“My pleasure, but now I have matters-“

He kissed me then, pushing his lips against mine. Taken aback, I didn’t move at first, my eyes bulged open as he tried to deepen the kiss. Of course, Jamie had to arrive at that moment. Pushing Wylie away from me with all my strength, I saw Jamie’s jaw tighten and his fists curl up. “Jamie!” I exclaimed, my voice rather high pitched. “What are you doing here?”

He didn’t listen to what I had to say, though. He walked through the room, took Wylie by the collar and pushed him outside. “Jamie, wait!” I ran after him into the courtyard. He was pushing Wylie on the shoulders and people started to gather around them.

I could see Jamie was talking to him, but I couldn’t understand what he was saying. The only sure thing was that both were very angry and at some point, to my own despair, they both took out their swords and got in position for a fight. “Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ.” I whispered between clenched teeth. Jenny came by my side, trying to get a look at the two young lads, turning around each other, their swords menacingly pointing towards the other.

“What the hell is going on here?” Jenny asked.

“It looks like they are going into a duel…”

“What for?” She rolled her eyes and I felt my cheeks turn crimson red. Not knowing what to tell her, I helplessly shook my head.

Wylie was the first to strike, making Jamie block his with his sword and reposition back. They went on a dance like this for a few minutes that felt like an eternity. They were both panting and grunting with the effort, and even if Wylie did well with his sword, we could see that Jamie was much better than him.

“What on earth is going on here?” Brian Fraser shouted, running to meet the lads. Jamie saw him and in a moment of inattention, Wylie hit him on his side.

The big scot fell to the ground, grunting in pain, hand on the wound. I ran to him, trying to see his cut, but there was too much blood. “Get him into my surgery!” I shouted.

Brian sent two men to take Wylie away while he and Ian put Jamie’s arms on their shoulders and walked with him to my surgery.

Even if his face was white and his eyes tired, Jamie was sitting straight on the table while I was angrily suturing the wound on his left side. It was just a scratch, but it was a deep and bloody scratch. “Dinna be angry, Claire.” He said between clenched teeth. “It’s nae bad.”

I didn’t answer, only stung his flesh with my needle. “And it was Wylie who started it.” He added. “Why are ye angry? It’s nae my fault!” He said a moment later, in a desperate voice.

Finally, when I was done stitching, I cleaned the wound one last time. “I’m just tired of having to mend to your injuries all the time. I understand why Madame Fraser brought me here, not because Lallybroch needs a healer, but because her damn stubborn, reckless son needs a personal one.” I sighed.

He didn’t answer so I looked up to find him staring at me with cocky grin. As much as I wanted him every minute of my living life, I also hated him very much sometimes. “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing.” He shrugged. “But I was just defending myself, Sassenach. It’s better to heal me than to bury me, is it not?”

Crossing my arms over my chest, I sighed angrily, but still couldn’t keep my eyes from looking down on his chest. He was magnificent, beautifully made and strong. Not only was he good to the eye, but the dozens of scars on his chest, his sweaty scent and the smeared blood on him made him look like a real bad boy, making me want to have him right here, right now.

Jamie caught me staring and smiled in a lopsided way, slowing putting his dirty shirt on. He still had his trousers on, and even if I liked his kilt, the trousers sometimes showed the shape of his-

“Claire?” He repeated.

I coughed, my face turning red in embarrassment. “Sorry, what did you say?”

“I said that the next time, I willna let Wylie win.” He said getting off the table. He stood tall, a foot away from me. I looked up and met his eyes.

“I’m sorry, what? What did you say? You let Wylie win?” I frowned, suddenly realizing, a little late that is, what he had just said.

Jamie smirked, making me both want to slap his cocky face, but also making me want to jump on him and have him ride me. “Aye. I let him win. I could’ve stopped this fight as soon as it started. Wylie is a noble Englishman, he doesna ken how to properly use a sword.” He buttoned up his coat.

“Why did you, then? If you say it’s because of his dignity I swear Jamie, I will slap you in the face.”

“Nah, you are too gentle for that.” Seeing that I was waiting for his answer, Jamie took a step towards me, standing inches from me. He leaned down, his mouth on my ear, his hot breath sending shivers down my body. I closed my eyes to the pulling sensation his body had on me.

“If I had” he whispered, “it would be Wylie having ye mend to his wounds, no’ me.” He straightened a little, just so I could see his face. His deep blue eyes were intently looking at my mouth as I absentmindedly licked my lips. I slowly went to kiss him, strong, unexplainable forces pushing me to him, but he pulled back. “I’ll se ye later, Mistress Beauchamp.” He said with an attempt at a wink before leaving my surgery room.

***

The days at Lallybroch went on very fast during the summer. The weather in the Highlands was mostly rain and cold wind, but I got used to it very quickly. When the sun came out, though, Jenny and I would take a small break from our responsibilities and go take a sunbath.

We usually talked about things that we couldn’t tell anyone else. She told me she and Ian had done it. “It was so wonderful, Claire.” She said with a shy smile, one afternoon when we were lying in my garden. The sun had been out for hours, but it was only less than an hour before dinner that we had the chance to lay in the grass and take a break for the first time of the day. It was freezing cold in my surgery, so the sun was very welcoming, warming my body in a refreshing way. “It was a little painful at first, but I was able to enjoy it. Ian he… I knew it wasna it first time. I didna mind it, one of us should ken what to do, but I was scairt I wouldna be good at it or that I’d be to much in pain for him to enjoy it. But I think he liked it fine weel.” She blushed.

I smiled, happy to hear that, but it also made me long to be touched. I terribly needed to do it, especially with Jamie walking around and teasing me. After his duel with Wylie, he hadn’t stop making me want him more than life itself. He knew how I felt about it, and I was pretty sure he felt the same as well, but he made it last, this flirt between the two of us. Maybe he was waiting for me to make the first move?

Turning my head towards Jenny, I looked up at her and really wanted to ask her if she knew if Jamie had ever done it. I thought better of it and changed subject.

But that night, when the candles were off and I was secure under my blankets, I couldn’t help but let my hand slowly drift down between my legs. I tried hard not to, but I couldn’t help imagine Jamie’s finger gently stroking my wet slit, whispering sweet Gaelic words in my ear as he took me over the edge.

Pulling my lips tight together, I tried to keep the moans inside my mouth as my walls started to close around my fingers. Afterwards, I closed my eyes, feeling an illusion of satisfaction, but the need of having him right beside me was stronger than ever.

It was a week later, during the last days of summer that Jamie came to my surgery. He had switched back to his kilt and had his hair standing up on his head. “Hello, Jamie.” I smiled. I was boiling plants on the fireplace in my surgery. Getting up, I walked to him as he closed the door behind him. “I wanted to tell you that-“

“Wait, Sassenach. I want to hear what ye have to say, but first, I have a wee present for ye. “

Confused, I raised an eyebrow at him. “A present?”

He smiled proudly. “Aye. For ye future home.” He opened his coat and took out a small, grey cat with big blue eyes. “I found it in the forest.”

Jamie put the cat into my arms. “How lovely is she!” I exclaimed.

“It’s a he. But he does look like a female.” He chuckled. “Not that ye can easily see a cat’s gender from his face. Anyway, I thought ye’d like to have this wee one chase the mouses in yer surgery and you can talk to him, instead of talking to yourself.”

My smile reached my ears and I kissed the small kitten on the head who started to purr intensely.

“Looks like he likes ye.” Jamie smiled, his eyes glittering.

“Thank you Jamie.” I smiled, touching his arm. “I had a cat, when I was small. A cat who looked just like that. It was a long time ago, though.” I said, tears starting to blur my vision as flashes of a beautiful, fat grey cat into a big londonien house flickered in my mind. “This wee one will be your closest friend, Claire.” My mother had told me, gently kissing my head.

Intrigued, Jamie looked at me as I smiled at him, tears running down my face. “Lass… Do cats make ye sneeze and make yer eyes wet?”

I laughed, shaking my head. “No. I’m very happy Jamie.” I crossed the small distance between us and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. He seemed surprised, but then relaxed and gently kissed me back, the cat stuck between us. It was a sweet kiss, his lips hot against mine, and the weight of the cat in my arms a comfort. Sometimes later I pulled back and looked at him with red cheeks. The corner of his mouth curled up, he bowed his head politely and went out. I spent the evening in my surgery feeding my cat and playing around with him, trying to find a name that would fit him.

***

“Ye think Adso will like yer knew surgery, Sassenach?” Jamie asked me, a month later as he helped me get my stuff into my new home. It was a beautiful home. The walls were composed of rocks and the floor made of wood. Brian Fraser has bought a very beautiful rug from Inverness during his last trip, and had given it to me to put it in my room. Everything was in place, the only missing things were the herbs and potions from my surgery and Jamie was helping me move them.

“Yes. Especially with my bed just in the next room.” I smiled. Other than pushing my glass flask on the ground and chasing noises, my cat’s favourite activity was sleep. He usually slept twenty-two hours a day.

We walked back to the room inside Lallybroch, packing the last stuff into a box and Jamie carried it to my house. “The vase ye brought in Inverness… Where did ye put it?”

“On top of the fireplace. Next to the painting of my uncle Lamb.”

I didn’t really own anything. Other than my herbs and potions, all that had ever belonged to me in Paris or Edinburgh, I had sold them to buy food or a place to sleep. There were only two things that were important to me. One was a painting of uncle Lamb and I. It was a very small painting, fitted in a small oval frame, but it was the only image that I had left of him. We had done it in Paris, while we visited a party just a few months before he died. The other thing was a photograph of my parents and I, taken in 1919 in front of our building. Julia and Henry, my parents were standing in their trench coats with me in their arms. I wasn’t even one year old, but after staring at this picture so many times, I could almost recall the details of this day.

My mother was so beautiful, looking at me with tender eyes that made my throat tighten and my father was looking at her with loving eyes. He looked at her the same way I had caught Brian Fraser staring at his wife.

No one knew about this photograph, of course. It would be more than a century before photographs were invented, but I kept it hidden with me all the time and every night before I slept, I looked at it and sometimes cried, sometimes longed and sometimes smiled.

“Thank you for your help, Jamie. And thank you for this house. It’s truly beautiful.”

He smiled proudly. “Aye, it’s pretty great. Alright, come on then, Sassenach. Supper is going to be served and I dinna want Fergus to eat all the potatoes before we arrive.” He started to walk to the door when I caught his arms. Jamie turned around with a quizzical look on his face, but before he could say anything, I stood on my tiptoes and kissed him tenderly at first, but soon it became hungry. His hands were running over my body and his tongue explored my mouth, swallowing the moans I made. Since he had given me Adso, we hadn’t talked about the kiss, neither did we kiss again.

After a moment we reluctantly parted and stared at each other in a shy silence. He smiled faintly and bent to kiss me one last time. “Jamie…” I whispered. He kissed me again, gently, and my hand reached up to his neck. “I want you…” I breathed, taking his mouth between my lips. “Kiss me.” I begged and he pushed me against the table, hungrily lifting me up. I could feel him hard through the dozens of layers of my dress. He kissed me roughly, his mouth trailing off to lick my jaw and neck.

“Christ, Sassenach.” He whispered, gently biting the skin of my neck, making me moan loudly. “The wee sounds ye’re making.”

I kissed him, pushing him between my legs with my feet. He grunted as I moved against him, his cock standing harder. “You too.” I bit his lip and went to unfasten his trousers. He stopped kissing me, looking down at my hands with an awkward silence.

“What’s wrong? You don’t want to do it?” I asked, scared that I had misinterpreted his signals the entire time. I let my hands fall on my lap, looking at him, waiting for an answer.

He shook his head, clearly embarrassed by something. “No, Claire. I want ye sae much I can scarcely breathe.” He said with a shy smile, lifting a weight from my heart. “But I… I didna want to have ye like that, at least not for the first time.” I nodded, he was right after all. Anybody could walk in on us and find me on the table with my shirt lifted up and Jamie thrusting into me with beastly groans. “And if ye want to have me, then there is something I need to tell ye…” he looked up at me with tender eyes that made my heart skip a beat. “I’ve never lied wi’ a lass before.” He cleared his throat, uneasy. His cheeks had turned crimson red. “I’m a virgin.”


	5. The First Time

The opportunity showed itself only two weeks later. Many people had come from the village nearby and we were all gathered at Lallybroch to celebrate Ellen Fraser’s birthday. There was dancing and singing around the fire, a lot of delicious food was being served and everybody was happy to be celebrating.

For the entire night, Jamie kept looking at me and something in his eyes told me he thought it was the right time, too. I spent the entire evening smiling stupidly, feeling the excitement in my stomach. There was also nervousness. I had only been with a lad one time and it didn’t seem like it had been extraordinary for him. It hadn’t been for me, so that was also worrying . I wanted to enjoy it, not to be scared and in pain.

“Sassenach.” Jamie whispered in my ear as I was in the kitchen, putting food onto my plate. “Ye look lovely tonight.” He said in a low voice, his hand discreetly caressing my arms, making my hair stand up. “I like it when ye have yer hair up. It shows yer beautiful long neck.”

“Ye look good too, Jamie.” He did, wearing his Fraser tartan kilt with a nice coat. He had cleaned up and washed his hair, coiffed back on his head.

He smiled, pleased. “Claire… I want to kiss ye sae much, I-“

“Claire! Did ye-“ Jenny stopped dead when she entered the kitchen. Jamie took a small step back and smiled at her. “Oh. Jamie. Hi. Can you come help me with something, while ye’re here?” She asked her brother before turning on her heels. Jamie gave me a look, making me laugh and followed her. The next time I saw him, was an hour later when everyone started dancing.

Sitting on the stairs, I was looking at everybody swirling around and singing by the fire while drinking some fine Lallybroch-made whisky. Jamie arrived then, leaning on the stair railing. “Enjoying the night?” He asked.

“Yes. It’s very fun!” The last time I had been to a big event like this was in Paris, but it had been with Lamb’s rich friends who were rather snobbish and too busy worrying about their looks to enjoy themselves like the people here did.

“Dance wi’ me?” He asked, offering me his arm.

“I… I don’t know how to dance.” I blushed helplessly.

“Me neither.” He said with another attempt at a wink. I smiled and took his arm and let him lead me to the dance floor.

We held hands and danced, swirling around and jumping and turning around for a very long time. It was amazingly fun. My head was spinning around a little after all the drinks I had had, but I could feel as if I was going to fly. Jamie was smiling and laughing like a kid, his arm steady around my waist. At some point, we stopped dancing and just stood there in each other’s arms, looking into each other’s souls, panting and sweating from the exercise. His gaze was intense on me, making my knees go weak, the tension between us stronger than ever. “Meet me in my surgery.” I said as seductively as I could in his ear. “Wait until you see me go, then wait for a few minutes and come. Don’t knock, just enter.” I said, feeling very brave and walked away, leaving him in the middle of the dance floor with his mouth slightly open.

It felt like an eternity before he came. He knocked even though I had told him not to and I heard him enter the surgery. Jamie crossed the door between the surgery and my room and stopped dead when he saw me. I was standing in the middle of the room, a small fire and candles lit up everywhere around us. His eyes trailed over my breasts, where my erect nipples were visible through the thin fabric of my shift. I saw his adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed and closed the door behind him. “Ye are expecting someone?” He joked and shyly took his boots off.

“Does it look like I am?” I smirked as he walked towards me, standing close. I could feel him tense, his breath heavy. “Are you… You still want to do it, right?” I asked him, feeling suddenly ridiculous. I had made it all look very romantic and special and perhaps that was not what he wanted.

“Aye. I want to. I want ye so much it hurts me. And to see ye, so bonnie in yer white shift.” He took a step closer, but I could still feel something was wrong.

“Is it too much? Maybe the fire and the candles was too much, I’m sorry. I went too far, I-“

He laughed, making me look up at him. “What?”

“Ye’re funny. It’s not too much, Sassenach. It’s perfect.” He said softly and I took his hand in mine. It was warm and soft and comforting. “It’s just that…”

“What?” I encouraged him, gently tightening my grip on his hand. “You can talk to me.”

He sighed and squeezed my hand back. “I just dinna want to hurt ye, Claire. I dinna ken if I will be able to be gentle wi’ ye and if it hurts ye… I ken women dinna enjoy it, so…”

“Who told you that?!” I asked, rather high pitched. It surprised him, which made me think he was going to run out of the room. “The… The men at Leoch. They… They were giving me tips on… Weel for my first time wi’ a lass and they said that women didna usually care for it.” He looked afraid, as if I was going to slap him.

“Nonsense! It might not be totally painless our first time, but after… I will love it.” I said, my hands resting on his arms. “It will be alright. You won’t hurt me. You’ll see.”

Jamie nodded and looked up at me with a hopeful smile. “Ye’ll love it, then? As much as I’ll love it?” I nodded and he suddenly seemed very confident. I couldn’t help but smile at his worries and concern for me.

I took a deep breath and then stepped back. “Take off your shirt, then.” And he did as I told him to, letting it fall on the ground. I ran my hand on his toned chest, my fingers curling the small red hairs. “Take the kilt off.” With a curled mouth smile, he unbuckled the belt and let his kilt fall on the ground. The view left me breathless. He was truly beautiful and his cock was very hard. I swallowed, reaching for the long muscles of his leg and lower body, touching everything but Jamie.

“Fair is fair.” He said a moment later, in a hoarse voice. “Take yer shift off as well.”

I took a deep breath and slowly opened my shift, revealing more and more skin. Jamie’s eyes were intently looking as I let it fall on the ground. He took a step back, looking at me with a face mixed with amazement and wonder. “Christ, Claire. Ye’re the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.” He sighed. “Can I… Can I touch ye, please?”

I took his hand and guided him to my breast. He moved to it like magnet and grabbed it gently, taking the weight of it in his hands. He took a step towards me and started to stroke my nipple with his thumb. Standing on my tiptoes, I kissed him harder than I intended to. He pushed me against him, his tongue seeking entrance in my mouth. My hands went up to his neck, where the curls laid on his nape. Jamie moaned into my mouth as I pushed my hips against his hard cock.

Then, I broke the kiss and walked him backwards to the bed. He fell on his back, looking at me with wild wonder as I straddled him. Kissing his mouth, I trailed down to his jaw and neck, my hand reaching between his legs. He let out a loud moan when I grabbed him. “Christ! Oh, Claire.” He whispered as I started to rub my finger on the tip of his cock. I didn’t really know what to do, but let myself be guided by the noises he made and the way his cock twitched every time I touched him.

I wanted him. I wanted him right now, but before that, I made sure to please him a little. “Oh, God! I need ye now, I won’t last long.” He said in a quick breath.

Turning onto my back, I took him with me, moving around until he fell on top of me. Holding himself with his hands next to my head, he bent and kissed me. “Jamie…” I whispered. “Do it now.” I took him in my hand and guided him to my entrance. He pushed his hips against my clit, eliciting a moan from me. He stayed for a moment frozen, his eyes closed and mouth open and slowly started to move inside me. It wasn’t really painful, a little at first, but it didn’t take long before I started to enjoy it. I closed my eyes and let my head fall back, but before I could even realize what was going on, he spilled himself and a loud moan escaped his parted lips.

He hid his head in the crook of my neck, his breath hot and heavy against my skin. Then, he reluctantly moved next to me, not looking at my eyes, his face red. “I’m sorry.” He said finally. “For how quick…”

I couldn’t help but chuckle at his embarrassed face, his hair standing up on his head in every direction. “I’m sorry for laughing.” I said, putting my hand on my mouth.

He looked up then, first insulted but then joined my laugh. “Christ.”

I put my hand on his arm, searching his eyes. “But it’s… Normal, you know?” I said and he nodded, clearly not convinced.

“Did ye… Enjoy it?” He asked with a worried look. I nodded and the corner of his mouth slowly curled up. “I dinna want to wait to do it again.” He said, kissing me. He moved on top of me then and started to kiss my neck. I closed my eyes and sighed, biting my lower lip. “Jamie…” I whispered and he looked at me. “You can… Touch me.” I said, feeling my cheeks turn red.

He frowned in confusion, but his eyes grew wider when I guided his hand to my entrance. Hesitantly, he gently entered a thick finger in my wetness and gasped. “Christ. It’s so… wet and hot.” He started to move his finger inside, stroking my walls. A small moan escaped my lips as I tried very hard not to close my eyes. “Ah..” He smiled and entered one more finger. Moving my hips in time with his fingers, I finally surrendered and closed my eyes, moans and groans coming from my mouth. “Claire…” Jamie said and I reached to grab him, only to realize that he was ready again.

Without a word, I guided him to me and he gently moved his hips to enter me. We both let out a gasp when he did, eyes closed, feeling how good it was when he was inside me. Slowly, he started to move his hips, his cock hardening every time a sound escaped my lips. It felt amazing to have him in me, but soon I needed more. Grabbing him by the buttocks, I pushed him hard in me. He groaned and so did I – a little in pain. Nonetheless, he got my meaning and started to thrust deep and faster inside me. With a firm hold of his arse, I started to move my hips with him, the smacking noises coming from our joined bodies seemed weirdly sexy. “Claire…” Jamie moaned before spilling himself into me with a loud groan. He collapsed on top of me, his sweaty chest resting against my breasts. I closed my eyes, until he finally pulled out of me with a big grin on his face. I couldn’t help but smile as he looked at the ceiling with an amazed look on his face.

“I thought I’d die of it. The feeling so strong.” He said with a lopsided smile. “Did ye love it?” He asked, clearly scared of my answer.

“Yes.” I smiled and kissed him gently on the lips.

“I thought ye did. Ye… erm… Were making a lot of wee noises.”

“So were you.” I smiled and he chuckled.

We lied side by side for a while, looking at the ceiling, breathing the same air. “Claire?” Jamie asked, a moment later, when I thought he was asleep. I lifted my eyes to look at him. “Would ye do it again? Ye didna regret it?” I shook my head and smiled at me. “Do ye…” his blush deepened in uneasiness. “Do ye need to wait? I mean before ye can… I mean if we want to-“

“No.” I whispered and rolled on top of him. Locking my hips with his, I started to movie against him a little, feeling his cock stand up.

“Good.” He breathed. Kissing him one last time, I sat up on him and lifted my hips, guiding him and sat back down on his cock. “Holy Mother of God.” He moaned as I did so. “Jesus Christ.” His hands instinctively reached to my hips, pushing me down on him. He opened his eyes and looked as I started rocking on him. “Oh good Lord.” He grunted, lifting his hips to go deeper in me. He sat up and took one of my breast in his mouth. While he sucked and licked my nipple, his hand was stroking the other one. I started to move faster, but Jamie turned me on my back and started to thrust slowly inside me.

“Jamie…” I begged and it was all he needed to move faster. He took one of my hands in his and pinned it on top of my head. The feeling took possession of my body, paralyzingly me from head to toe and with another thrust, I clenched around him and cried out. He froze, making me open my eyes. “Don’t stop!” I pushed him back against me and again and again until he cried out my name.

Sometime later, while we were lying in silence, my fingers gently brushing the hair on his chest, Jamie cleared his throat. “When you… You… Cried… Did I hurt ye or?”

“No.” I said, turning on my elbow to smile at him. “You didn’t.” I bit my lip, my belly still feeling marvellous and quite a bit like a bowl of pudding.

He smiled, his fingers tracing patterns on my arm. “I didna know women could… Does it happen every time?”

I smiled, terribly wanting to show him when it happened. “Only when the man is a very good lover.” I said in a low voice, my finger brushing his lips.

“Oh…” He grinned. “Well then.” He rolled on top of me, opening my legs with his knee and kissed me tenderly.

***

The next morning, when I woke up, I was expecting to see a giant, red headed, very naked scot sleeping next to me, but was rather disappointed when I touched cold sheets instead.

Lifting on one elbow, I cleared my eyes with my fists, trying to see around the room any signs of Jamie. He wasn’t here, but there was a fire heating up the room. “Jamie?” I asked, but saw that his clothes were not on the floor anymore.

Sighing, I rolled in bed, stretching my legs languorously. The joints cracked as I did, a contented groan escaping my lips. I stayed between the sheets for a moment, thinking about the previous night. I couldn’t help but smile like an idiot thinking about him. The way he had touched me, the way he had kissed me and the way he had made love to me. I couldn’t wait to see him and I hoped deeply he’d be back tonight.

My stomach growled in hunger, reluctantly making me get up of the warm bed and jump into my clothes. Jamie had obligations, so did I.


	6. The Storm

It was as if everyone in the house knew what had happened the previous night with Jamie. Just when Ellen wished me good morning, I felt blood rush to my cheeks and my legs shake. “Good morning, Madame Fraser.” I coughed. 

She sighed, crossing her arms over her chest. “I thought we’d agreed that you call me Ellen?”

“Right. I’m sorry. Good morning, Ellen.” I said, still uneasy, but she smiled nonetheless. Pouring myself a bowl of porridge, I felt Jenny’s stare on me. She was sitting by the counter, eating her breakfast while writing on a sheet of paper. 

“Good Lord! Looks like you haven’t slept all night!” She exclaimed in a whisper, when I sat next to her and Ellen started talking to Mrs Bug, the cook. 

Burying my face in my breakfast, I shrugged, trying to hide the growing blush on my face. “It was a great gathering, last night. We danced a lot.” I muttered quickly.

“Aye. I saw ye dancing wi’ Jamie, it looked like ye had a lot of fun!” She smiled and I saw from the corner of my eyes Ellen look at us at the mention of her son. “He’s no’ much of a great dancer. Ye taught him weel.” 

I nodded, trying to ignore Madame Fraser’s stare. 

“Good morning, lassies.” Jamie said, rushing into the kitchen. He stopped dead when he saw me, then a smile slowly reached his ears. “Good morning, Claire.”

“Good morning, Jamie.” I couldn’t help but smile back at him. 

It was silent for a moment, so I awkwardly got up and headed for the door, walking past Jamie, brushing his arm without meeting his eye. “I should go to my surgery.” 

I heard Jenny ask Jamie “What was that all about ye wee daftie?” and I walked out the door, chuckling to myself. 

The cold air of the morning was refreshing, especially after the hotness in the kitchen. I sat on my knees and began collecting the last plants from my garden for the season, feeling a small pinch of nostalgia at the memories of all the hours spent here during one of the most beautiful summers of my life. 

I looked up several hours later to find that the sky was now dark grey, threatening clouds heading in our direction and the air was heavy. Soon, there would be a storm. All the women in front of the house were taking their drying clothes off the hanging ropes, the kids helping them to work faster. When I reached my house, rain had started to fall down rather quickly. 

There was a very loud boom of thunder and the storm suddenly broke. Rain was falling hard against my windows, the leaves on the trees flying around. It was suddenly very dark and very cold in my house. I left my small basket of herbs on the surgery table and went to start a fire in my bedroom and lit some candles around to be able to see as I worked. 

I spent around an hour like that, going through my herbs while I listened to the sound of the storm. It was a big storm and I was more than happy to be in the safety of my house. Adso was sitting by the window, looking outside with wide green eyes. I was also happy to have him with me. Not only was he very useful at keeping this place safe of rats and all kinds of unwanted creatures, but he was also very good company. In moments like this, I was happy to have him, to have a presence with me. Like Jamie had said, it was better to talk to him than to talk to myself. And at night, he slept next to me, on the right pillow and when I had nightmares or wasn’t feeling well, he would always come to sleep close to me, either against my chest or in the crook of my neck. 

There was a loud bang and I looked up to see Jamie entering my surgery, bringing in the rain with him. My heart skipped a beat at his sudden arrival. 

“Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ!” I exclaimed, jumping off my seat. He was standing in the door frame, water dripping from his soaked clothes, the storm raging behind him. A cold wind entered by the open door. “Close the door!” He did so and we stood a moment in silence, shyly looking at each other. “You were caught by the storm.”

“Aye.” He nodded, his wet hair falling over his eyes. He was wearing a bonnet that did nothing to stop the rain from drenching his curly hair. “Do ye mind if I stay here for a while? Let my clothes dry a wee bit?”

“Of course not.” I said, blushing as memories of the previous night flashed in my mind. “Come here.”

He followed me to my room, where he proceeded to take his clothes off. “I was in the forest hunting wi’ Ian when the rain started. We thought we’d keep hunting nonetheless but when the storm started, we thought we’d be better go inside.” Jamie said as I hung his shirt and trousers by the fire and put his boots close to it. 

“Here.” I gently put a plaid around his shoulders, both for heating his cold body that made his teeth clatter, but also to hide his nakedness. 

“Thank ye.” He smiled, sitting on the floor. 

“Do you want something to drink? Uh… whisky, perhaps?” I offered, walking over to a small cabinet. 

He nodded so I poured two glasses and went to sit next to him, Adso came and sat on my lap. “Slainte.” I smiled, clicking my glass with his. 

“Slainte.” He took a long sip of whisky. “I’m sorry I wasna there this morning.” He said, looking at me with a cute, shy smile. “I didna want anyone in the house to notice…”

“I understand.” I said, feeling my heart start to beat faster in my chest. “It’s fine.”

“But I didna have the time to thank you and to tell you that it was the most beautiful night of my life.”

I couldn’t help but smile like an idiot. Moving to sit closer to him, I put my hand on his lap and looked up at him. 

“But it wasna right of me… to take ye as I did, before we wed.”

“It’s fine, Jamie.” I said, my hand reaching to his jaw. His mouth curled up and he closed his eyes, letting his head rest in my hand. “I really liked it...with you.”

“I wanted to ask ye…” He looked at me nervously, his ears turning pink. “Ye dinna need to answer, if ye dinna wish to… But before last night… I mean… it wasna yer first time?”

He was staring at me with deep blue loving eyes, making me want to tell him everything. “No… I… Had done it once before. Though it was a long time ago.”

He nodded and stayed silent for a moment, thoughtful. I let my hand fall back onto his lap, waiting for him to say what he had on his mind. “The man ye were with… Was he gentle? Did ye like it?”

“Hmm… More or less.” I shrugged casually. “It wasn’t his first time and I was terrified. It was nothing, really.” I said, blushing deeply, even if Jamie’s stare was compassionate and not at all judgmental. 

“But last night… I… I felt alive.” I said. “Maybe it’s stupid, but when I’m with you… It’s like I can.. I don’t know.” I shrugged, not wanting to talk too much and say things I’d maybe regret later. “I enjoy being with you. Not only in bed, but all the time.”

He smiled, taking my hand in his and kissed my knuckles. “I think I’m in love with ye, Claire Beauchamp.” He said, looking down at my hand. “Since the first time I saw ye in yer wee surgery.”

I couldn’t help but smile, feeling something in my stomach twist, sending shivers down my body, making every cell come alive. “When you checked me out naked.” I chuckled, nudging him playfully in the ribs. 

“I didna check ye out naked! It’s no’ my fault if ye dinna say anything when someone knocks at yer door!”

“You didn’t knock!” I laughed.

“Aye.” He smiled, gently kissing my lips. “I did.”

I looked at him, my hand on his chest. “I think I love you, too.” I whispered and he smiled, his hand gently sliding down my back. He slowly untied my dress, and I helped him with the laces. He kissed me, removing more of my layers until we both sat naked on the wood floor. We stayed for a moment in silence, looking at each others’ naked bodies. Even if we had been naked only the previous night, to see him in the light of day was different, and it made him look even more amazing. 

Slowly, he helped me on my back until he was on top of me, his elbows on either side of my body. The fire was dancing on his face, making his fiery red hair shine in the shadows. His hands were exploring my body, searching for all my secrets. I opened my legs to him and guided him home. He let out a small groan when he entered me, sending a shiver over my body.

He made love to me slowly, his eyes almost black, looking at me, searching my soul as he gently moved in me. My hands reached to his back, caressing the soft skin between his shoulder blades and resting in his hair. 

Sometimes later, we moved to my bed and were now holding each other. He had his back turned to me to face the fire and my arms were around his waist. I kissed the nape of his neck, the freckled skin of his shoulders and his muscular back. “Try not to leave any marks, Sassenach.” Jamie said in a hoarse voice. He tried to play it cool, but I could see the goosebumps on his skin every time I kissed, licked or bit him. 

I stopped and made him turn to face me. “Will anyone notice your absence?” I asked, stroking the few hairs on his chest. 

“Nah.” He shook his head, his hand moved on my thigh to draw patterns with his fingers. “I told Ian I was going to the stables.”

“And he didn’t find it suspicious?”

“Aye.” Jamie laughed and kissed me. “But he won’t say a thing.”

“Is your mother suspecting something?” I asked him, as he started kissing my neck. “I thought she was staring at me weirdly this morning, especially when Jenny mentioned us dancing last night.” 

“I dinna think so. I mean… I don’t understand why she would suspect it now. Everyone was drunk and had their head a bit spinni’ last night to notice such thing.” He said, lifting my hair to open up my neck and he kissed it gently. “Oh, Sassenach.” He groaned, biting the skin on my collar bone. “Does it ever stop? The wanting you?” 

He turned onto his back, bringing me on top of him. “I could spend all my days here wi’ ye until the day I die.” He sighed, kissing me. I rested my head on his chest, looking at the storm through the window. I wished this moment would never stop. 

“You think we should keep it a secret?” I asked. 

“At least for now. If no’, we’ll be wed by next week. Don’t get me wrong, I do want to marry ye, but not now. For now, I just want ye all for myself, in small stolen moments like this. I dinna want our union to bring responsibilities we’ll have if we are marrit. When the time comes, I will want those responsibilities, but not for now.” 

I nodded, kissing the hairy skin of his chest. “I know. And if you were to go to university. I mean... you will be going to university next year. I don’t want to be separated from you.”

“You’ll come wi’ me?” Jamie said, fondling my arse. 

I chuckled, lifting up on a elbow to look at him. “I don’t think your mother would love to see her healer run off to France with her son.”

“She wouldna mind. After all, she did the same wi’ my father.”

He told me the story of his parents, how at a gathering they had ran off together under the noses of three hundred men. I couldn’t help but smile and laugh as he talked. Like most highlanders, he was a born storyteller. 

Suddenly, the sound of the door opening startled us both. “Claire? Are ye here?” Jenny asked from the surgery. 

“Shit!” I jumped out of bed, naked as a worm. Fortunately, the door separating the two rooms was closed to keep the warmth inside the bedroom. “Hide!” I screamed at Jamie in a whisper. 

“What?” I read his lips. 

“Hide!” I repeated. “Go behind the bed!”

He jumped out, and lied on the floor, hidden from the door. I threw his clothes at him before putting the plaid from my bed around my shoulders and walked to the front room. “Jenny what are you doing here?” I asked her, trying to look casual. 

“I wanted to know if ye needed assistance here. I was getting rather bored in the main house.” She said, looking at me suspiciously. “What have ye been doing?” 

“Hmm… Just… I was cold so I lied by the fire.”

“Naked?” She raised an eyebrow at me. 

I nodded. “Yes. They say you should do this… When you’re cold and you need warmth.” 

She didn’t look convinced at all. “Alright. If ye say so. Did ye happen to see my brother? Ian said he was going to the stables, but Da hasna found him.”

“No.” I said, my voice a bit high pitched. “I’m sorry.”

Her eyes lingered on me, traveling to the room behind me, looking for an answer. “Alright. Well, it looks like ye dinna need my help so I’ll come back later.” She said before leaving my house. 

When I went back to my room, Jamie was contorted with laughter on my bed. “Ye canna lie, Sassenach. Surely she didna believe ye.” Jamie said between breaths. 

I sat on bed next to him. “Not funny.” I said, embarrassed.

“Aye, ye are.” He said getting up and kissing me. “I should be back, before they start to look all around for me.” He went next to the fire to dress back up. I couldn’t help but stare at his arse while he put his trousers on. He was beautiful. He caught me staring, making his smile grow on his face. 

“Are you going to come back tonight?” I asked him, feeling my blush deepen. 

“If ye want me to.” He sat next to me, putting his boots on. “I’ll sneak out of my room by the window and crawl to yer house.”

I chuckled at the idea and kissed him. “I can’t wait until then.”

He moaned in my mouth, eyes closed as I ran a hand on his jaw after the kiss. “I didna want to leave ye, Sassenach. Even if not to lie wi’ ye. Just to enjoy time alone wi’ ye, clothes on or no’.”

“I know.” I kissed him one last time and reluctantly let go with a grunt. “Hurry back, soldier.” I told him. 

He stopped in the door frame and turn one last time. “Aye, always.” He smiled and went out in the rain with his dried clothes on.


	7. The Bath

“I think yer water is ready, Sassenach,” Jamie said between two kisses.

“Mmm.” I lifted onto my elbow, still kissing him. In fact, I could hear the sound of the boiling water by the fire.

“Let me get it for ye.” With a groan, he jumped out of bed and went to mix the boiled water with the temperature-warm water in the basin. I couldn’t help but smile, seeing him concentrate as he worked, the muscles of his butt clenching as he transferred the water.

“Thank you.” I said as he came back under the covers besides me.

“Maybe let it cool down just a wee bit. It’s verra hot. I wouldna want ye to burn yer beautiful pearl-like skin, Sassenach.” He said, biting the skin on my shoulder with a playful look.

“No, we wouldn’t.” I chuckled and gently pushed him on his back. I got up and walked to the small cabinet in the kitchen where I kept my soaps and body lotions I had made from the plants and liquids in my surgery. I knew Jamie’s favourite one was apple flavoured, so I took it to the table next to the basin. Turning around, I found him staring at my arse. He blushed shyly at me. “Like what you see?” I teased, feeling my own cheeks turn pink.

“Aye.” He smiled, the candles lighting the blue of his eyes in the dark, the flames dancing on his face.

For the past few weeks, Jamie had been sleeping in my house every night. The last time he spent a night in Lallybroch was the day before his mother’s birthday, a little more than a month ago.

After that, every night he managed to flee away in the night and reach my house. We didn’t always make love, most of the nights we were so tired and so cold that we’d end up falling asleep in each other’s arms before having the chance to say goodnight. Even during nights like these, I felt my heart warm in my chest and my love for him grow fonder every single minute we spent together.

Sometimes we fell asleep, and sometimes we wouldn’t speak with words, but with our bodies, sometimes we’d stay awake all night long and talk about our pasts, about the future and about what scared us the most.

Tentatively, I dipped one big toe into the basin. The temperature was perfect, so I slowly dipped my foot entirely and ended up sitting in the basin, a content sigh escaping my lips. “God that feels so good.” I whispered, closing my eyes and putting my arms under the warm water.

“Aye. It looks so.” Jamie chuckled from my bed. I opened one eye to see him stare at me lovingly.

“Wot?” I asked in a thick British accent.

“Nothing.” He shrugged with a shy smile. “Yer just so beautiful, mo nighean donn.”

I smiled with a sigh and closed my eyes, feeling my entire body relax into the warm water. “I’d spent the night here… I don’t really remember baths.” I added, some moment later. Jamie was looking at me with a strange look. I waved the words away. “Anyway, I should wash, the water won’t stay comfortably hot for a very long time.”

“Let me help ye wi’ it.” Jamie said, getting up from the bed and walking over to me. He kneeled down beside me and kissed my cheek. The corner of his mouth curled up when he took some water in his palm and poured it on my shoulder, chest and breasts. I couldn’t keep my eyes away from him, as he worked with brows furrowed.

“It’s good to know that when I’ll be old, I’ll have someone to bathe me.” I smiled, twisting one of his curls around my index finger.

“If I’m still able to bend on my knees.” He remarked, making me laugh.

“You will. If you want to, at least. You bloody stubborn scot.”

He smiled, stretching to grab the soap on the small table. He drenched it in the tub and started to gently wash my shoulders. “Mmm… Apples.” He moved behind me, gently kissing the spot behind my ear while his soapy hands ran down over my breasts. I closed my eyes, my head falling on his shoulder as he went down to my belly. “I love ye, Claire.” He said, kissing my hair. “Sae much.”

He moved to face me and I stretched a leg out of the bath, resting it on his shoulder with a playful look. Jamie chuckled and kissed my big toe before gently biting it. I let out a small squeak that surprised him. “Dinna kick my face, please.” He gently ran his hands up to my knee, then to my thigh. He had his arms half in the basin but he didn’t seem to mind about getting wet. “The other leg, now.”

My leg was already cold, so I let it fall back into the tub, a shiver running on my body because of the quick contrast of temperature. He grabbed my right leg and put it back on his chest and with a wrinkle of mischief in his eyes, did the same work on this leg.

“You’re forgetting something.” I said as he got up to dry his hands.

The tips of his ears turned pink. “Ye want me to… Uh… Wash yer-“

I opened my knees to confirm his doubts. He swallowed and kneeled to my left. I kissed him, more hungrily that I had intended. His hand hesitantly went between my legs, his finger stroking my sensitive skin. I closed my eyes, lips half parted as he touched me. “I think it’s clean.” He stopped abruptly. Startled, I opened up my eyes to see him smile at me. He got up and easily lifted me out of the basin.

“What are you doing?” I chuckled. He was carrying me to the bed, but I kicked my legs so he would let me down on my feet. “No, Jamie! The sheets will be wet and cold! Let me down!”

He reluctantly did so and watched with a smile as I ran to get a towel and dry my body as fast as possible. “No need to hurry, Sassenach. It’s only midnight.” He said, the corner of his mouth curled up.

“I know, but it’s freezing here.” Once every part of my body was dried, I ran under the sheets, teeth clattering. Jamie laughed and joined me, bringing my body against his hot skin. “God, you’re so hot. It’s a blessing going to bed with you during fall.” I said, cuddling as close as possible to get more heat. “You’re my mini-furnace.” I smiled, my face against his chest.

We stayed for a moment in silence, and I drifted off to sleep when I heard him talk. It took me some time to concentrate on what he was saying. “Sorry, what did you say?”

“I asked if ye’d be willing to come to Paris wi’ me, when the time comes.” He said in a whisper, so low I almost didn’t hear him. I knew this was worrying him, and I was pretty sure university wasn’t something he really wanted to do.

“Of course, Jamie. I’ll go wherever you go.”

“And I too, Sassenach. So if ye dinna wish to come, I’ll stay.”

I lifted my eyes to look at him. “What? You have to! You have the chance to have the possibility to study, you should jump on it. I’d like to go. Study medicine.”

“Aye? But ye dinna need to, yer already a physician.”

I smiled, caressing his back. “If you say so. But there are so many things I don’t know.”

He stayed a moment in silence, but I could almost hear his thoughts. “If we go to Paris, ye could go see the doctor ye talked to me about? The one at the L'Hôpital who taught ye about healing?”

“Mother Hildegarde? Yes, I would. It’s just…”

“What? Tell me.” He said, encouraging me with a kiss on my forehead.

“I’m afraid to go back. Where I was with my uncle, I… In my past… I don’t know.” I shrugged. “Maybe I want Paris to stay a memory.”

He made a Scottish sound that made me understand he was comprehending. “But now is now, Jamie. No need to worry about the future. As long as you follow, I’m willing to do anything.”

I looked up at him and he smiled. “If one thing is sure, Sassenach, other than I love ye, is that ye can do everything.”

He kissed me then, starting tenderly, but soon hungrily. He pushed me on my back and climbed on top of me, pinning his hips to mine. After a long kiss, I stopped him. “Jamie. There is something… I would like you to do.”

“Aye. Anything for ye, mo chridhe.” He said, his brows furrowed.

Feeling my heart beat fast in my chest, I nodded and gently pushed him down on my body. He looked at me with curiously but his face changed when I put both my legs on his shoulders. He bent his head, hesitantly putting his lips on the most sensitive spot. A moan escaped my lips, giving him assurance. My head fell back on the pillow and my fingers grabbed the curls on his head as he started exploring. It was amazing, so much more than I imagined it could be. And I guessed Jamie liked it too. I remembered, during our third night together, I had tried it on Jamie, appearing much more confident that I actually was, but he had liked it fine well, coming half a minute later. I had loved to do it to Jamie, giving him pleasure and being the one in control. Now he was the one giving pleasure, and he was the one in control.

“Jamie…” I moaned as he slowly entered a finger inside me. “Oh God…” He shifted in bed when I grabbed his hair harder than I intended to. He lifted my hips upward, his lips and tongue urgently brushing against me. I was very close and he could feel it, his own excitement taking control.

When he slid a second finger inside me, my walls clenched and a few strokes later I cried out his name, my entire body shaking amazingly as I came. “Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ.” I whispered, a moment after when he came to lie by my side, a proud grin on his face, some of my juice on his short beard.

I chuckled and wiped it off with a finger. He grabbed my wrist before I could wipe it on the sheet and licked it, his eyes never leaving mine.

“I’m sorry.” He said, a few moments later when I cleaned the back of my thigh. “I didna mean to… come.” He said, his cheeks turning red. “But… it was so… erotic… to see ye like that.” He smiled shyly.

“No it’s alright,” I smiled and kissed his lips, “I don’t mind it at all.”

Content, I grinned and lied back in bed with a loud groan. “God, I’m exhausted. We should sleep.”

He laid his head on my chest and my hand gently stroked his red hair. And soon we drifted into a deep slumber.

***

It wasn’t really a big surprise when Ellen, Brian, and Jenny told me the next morning that she was marrying Ian Murray.

I knew she loved him and it looked like he was crazy about her, but I didn’t think they would marry so fast. But by the half excited, half relieved look on her face, I couldn’t help but smile like an idiot when she told me.

“That’s amazing news!” I said, hugging my friend tightly. “So, when is the wedding?”

“It will be in two months.” Ellen said with a proud smile, putting her hand on her daughter’s shoulder. That was soon enough.

So Jenny and I spent the day in the Big house, organizing her wedding. We were sitting in the kitchen, looking at the kitchen recipe books in search of the perfect dessert recipe for the event. After awhile, it was starting to get hot in the place from the nearby fire, so I tied my hair in a bun. We were both very concentrated in our readings, but sometimes, I felt her stare weirdly at me. “Is there something ye’re hiding?” She asked me, closing the book in front of her.

“I’m sorry?” I asked, rather confused.

“It’s just that -“

She was interrupted by Ellen Fraser entering the small office, coming to sit between us. “I thought I could give ye both a hand.” She smiled at Jenny, then at me. Her expression changed for a second when she looked at me, her brows furrowing, but then her lips curled up again in the brightest smile.

Weird. I felt their stares on me throughout the day, until I understood the reason of them when Jamie came for dinner, once the night had fallen.

He was all smiles when he entered the house, I could hear him talk to Brian Fraser with a delighted voice from the dining room, making my belly tighten and my heart grow at the sound of his laugh. When he saw me, his smile disappeared as fast as it had appeared in the first place.

“What?” I asked, slightly annoyed. Did I have food by my mouth and no one had told me?

Mrs. Bug was also in the room, so he took me gently by my elbow and walked me to the stairs. “What?”

“Christ.” He muttered, but I was sure there was amusement in his alarmed voice. 

“What the hell is it?”

He stopped me in front of a mirror and I saw it. The bite marks on my neck and chest. They were small, but clearly visible and definitely not self-inflicted. “Oh.” I said, the corner of my mouth curling up. “That’s why they were giving me such strange looks, they must think I’m a bit loose with my morals!.” I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Probably.” Jamie chuckled, kissing my shoulder briefly. “Ye should try to hide them.”

“Well, why bother? They already saw it.” I shrugged.

***

When I woke up the following morning, my entire body was sore. My limbs were heavy and I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I only had time to notice that Jamie had left when I fell asleep again.

He had gone with Ian and Fergus to a village, a few days ride from here. I was rather disappointed when I found out from Jenny during breakfast, not understanding why Jamie hadn’t told me. “It was decided this morning, that they would go.” She said, as if she could read my mind.

I nodded, still feeling a pinch in my stomach at the idea of not seeing Jamie for a few days and sleeping alone for the first time in weeks.

The day went on fast, without me noticing Jamie’s absence. When the dinner was over, I walked back to my own home, finding it rather cold and empty. I lit up a fire and sat next to it, wrapped up in my plaid. Even if I knew he wasn’t coming, I couldn’t stop looking at the door of my room or keeping my ears opened, in case I heard Jamie join me.

Burying my face in the plaid, I inhaled deeply, his scent a reassurance and warming up the room even more than the fire in front of me. Slowly, my eyelids became heavier and I drifted off to sleep before I could reach my bed.

The morning after, I was bandaging the burn of a little boy from the village when Jenny rushed in my room. “Claire! Ye need to come right now!”

Startled, I finished with the little boy and followed Jenny to the front of the house where Jamie was sitting on his horse, the reins of Brimstone in his hand. “Jamie? What the hell are you doing here?”

“Ye need to go with them, Claire. Ian is verra badly injured.” Jenny said, her voice trembling with fear as she pushed me forward to my horse.

Not really knowing what was going on, I climbed on my horse and as soon as I sat my butt on the beast’s back, Jamie kicked the ribs of his horse and we were off. We rode in silence for about an hour, until he finally seemed to relax a little bit and we rode side by side. “What happened?” I asked Jamie.

He looked at me with a faint smile, like if for the first time he was noticing me. He looked dreadfully tired, his eyes shot red with bags underneath them. Or at least, that’s what uncle Lamb used to say. “We had an accident last night. Ian’s horse fell of a cliff and he had his leg stuck under a rock. I wasna able to move it off him wi’ Fergus.”

“And you think I’ll be able to move it off?” I asked, incredulous.

He chuckled. “Off course not. I fetched some men from Lallybroch when I went to get ye. They’re already on their way to the stream.”

Jamie increased the pace, clearly wanting to get there as soon as possible. The accident had happened last night, before nightfall and he had traveled through the night only to arrive this morning. And the last thing we wanted was to have to stop for the night.

Fortunately, we found Ian around two hours before dark. He had almost passed out from pain, Fergus giving him whisky - maybe too much whisky.

We decided that the three men Jamie had gathered from Lallybroch, men I didn’t really know, but had seen around a few times, would lift up the rock so I could immediately check the patient.

It took a few tries before the giant rock finally moved a bit, and with clenched teeth and grunting noises, Jamie and his men finally freed Ian.

It was with horror that I realized that his tibia was completely crushed. It was like nothing I had ever seen before. I tried to think of the most injured patients I had seen when I was in Paris with Mother Hildegarde, but no similar cases came to my mind. The more I tried to think of what to do, the more I realized that he would most likely need to have his leg amputated.

Looking up at Jamie, he read the meaning in my eyes. I tried to bandage Ian’s leg as much as I could and Jamie ordered his men to put Ian on one of their horses. “We’ll be riding in the dark.”

Rain had started falling down, the night was suddenly freezing and there was no way Ian would survive another night with the blood leaving his body so quickly and I was growing increasingly worried about infection spreading through his leg.

The men and Fergus went before me and it wasn’t long before I lost sight of them in the night. Fortunately, Jamie knew I wasn’t really experienced in horse riding in the woods, especially when it was very dark, so he rode behind me.

We rode fast, nervous to get Ian home and well cared. I was hoping the Frasers would call another surgeon from another village. I didn’t feel confident being the one to cut Jenny’s future husband and Jamie’s best friend’s leg.

“This way, Sassenach.” Jamie pointed a small trail and I followed it when it started thundering.

“Perfect weather to be outside.” I said to myself. Not that I was scared, but I hated to be outside when there was a big storm. And in the woods, the hammering sound of thunder was even louder.

Suddenly, there was a lighting bolt that hit the tree just before me, making my horse jump on his back legs and I fell to the ground with a painful thud. My horse then ran off into the opposite direction. I called for Jamie, but I couldn’t see him anywhere around as my horse ran deeper into the forest.

“Jamie!” I shouted, but I was alone… completely alone.


	8. The Debt

It felt like knives were stabbing my entire body. As soon as I landed in the stream, my gown was completely soaked, its weight bringing me down into the depths of the water. I tried to fight against it, but it only made me sink. When my feet reached the bottom, I stopped moving my arms, the icy water filling my lungs. I fought back until I had no more strength to do so. 

Just as I slowly started to lose consciousness, two big hands grabbed my waist and brought me to the surface. 

I took a big breath, coughing at the burning sensation in my lungs. Jamie sat me on the rocks next to the stream as I slowly caught my breath. “Sassenach, are ye alright?” He asked, his lips purple with the cold in the moonlight. 

The rain falling on us felt almost hot after the icy water of the stream. “I’m alright.” I muttered. He got up and went to get a plaid around my shoulders. “I’m fre-freezing.” I said, closing my arms on my chest. 

“Come wi’ me, I ken a place.”

He lifted me up and walked me to a cave, not far from there. At least, it wasn’t raining on us here. Jamie started a fire as I took my wet clothes off, burying myself in the plaid. “Come lie next to me.” I ordered in a low voice. “Take your clothes off and come here. To get more warmth.” I said, teeth clattering. 

“Oh, aye.” He said, taking his shirt and breeks off and hurrying to lie next to me under the plaid. I curled up close to his already burning body. “Ye dinna need to give me an explanation for me to take my clothes off.” He joked. 

“Aren’t you cold?” I asked, half relaxed, half desperately cold. 

“Just a wee bit. But yer hands are cold as ice.” He chuckled as I laid a hand on his chest. He took them in his and rubbed them before letting out a hot breath on them. “What happened? How did ye get into the stream?” 

The sound of rain falling in the forest and thundering seemed to be coming from far away. “I started running after the lightning and fell into the stream.” 

“I think I have whisky wi’ me.” He went to get the whisky and came back, snuggling back next to me. “Have a wee dram.” 

The dram I took wasn’t wee, but it made my entire body heat up. “Yes, good idea.”

He smiled and kissed my wet temple. “I hope Fergus and the men are on their way to Lallybroch.”

Then I remembered Ian’s leg. I moved to get up, but Jamie kept me down. “We have to go back!”

“Nay, Sassenach. We canna ride wi’ ye like that, I dinna want ye to be sick. Ian will be well taken care off back at Lallybroch. I made sure of that.”

So he did call out for another physician when he went to get me. “You don’t trust me to take care of your friend?” I was rather hurt by the thought. 

“No, mo nighean donn.” He said, taking my chin with his cold fingers. “I trust ye wi’ my life. I just didna want ye to be the one to do it. Not for ye, but for Ian.” 

I nodded. I understood his reasons and agreed with him. “We can stay here for the night. It is no’ as comfortable as yer wee house, but ‘tis better than to be outside.” 

“I’m cold, Jamie.” I said, looking into his eyes. 

“Aye, I ken that, Sassenach. Yer shaking in my arms.”

He definitelydidn’t understand what I meant. So I lied on my back, bringing him down on top of me. 

***

We rode to Lallybroch at the first hours of the morning, when the storm ended. The air was heavy and cold, making me shake, still cold from the previous night. Even with Jamie’s help at trying to get me warm, I still couldn’t feel my toes. 

There was a heavy atmosphere in the house and I was suddenly afraid that maybe Ian had died. When Jamie’s mother finally came to meet us, she told her son that Ian was alive and asleep in a room upstairs. Then, she came to hug me tightly, surprising me. 

“I was so scairt when Fergus told me the men had lost ye and then yer horse coming back here alone.” She said, finally letting go. 

“I’m fine. How is Ian?” I asked, still worried. 

“He’s good, for what happened last night. He lost his leg.” Ellen looked over at Jamie and I felt him tense beside me. “The surgeon from a village close to here came last night and amputated it.”

I swallowed, feeling a pinch in my stomach. “How’s Jenny?”

“She’s strong.” She smiled sadly, squeezing my hand. “Christ, Claire! Yer wee hands are freezing! What happened?”

When I told her what had happened, she immediately fetched some hot water to my home. Jamie went to Ian and I left to return to my house for the time being. I bathed silently, feeling my entire body coming alive in the hot water. I wished Jamie was here with me, but I knew in my heart that the right place for him to be was by his friend and sister. 

After the bath, I dressed in dozens of layers and walked back to Lallybroch after kissing my cat good morning and went to eat a little bit of porridge before entering Ian’s room. Jenny immediately got up and came to hug me. “Tell me ye’ll take care of him.” She said, her face crushed against my chest. 

“I promise.” I whispered, looking at the young man behind her shoulder.

And I kept my word for the next two months. Ian’s leg was surprisingly healing very well, but his mind, on the contrary, couldn’t accept the fact that he had lost it. Jamie and Jenny helped him as much as they could, but the only presence Ian could stand was me. During those two months, we got know each other well and even if his temperament wasn’t at its best, we became true friends. He knew about Jamie and I and promised not to tell anyone. 

“How is Jenny?” He finally asked, one afternoon as I was changing the bandage. 

“She’s hurt by what you tell her. And she’s sad she’s not getting married this year.”

He nodded in silence, looking out the window. 

“Tell her I love her, please.” He said, just as I was about to leave his room once I was finished. 

“No. I’ll send her up here and you’ll tell her. She’s not the reason why you lost your leg, Ian. And if you keep pushing her away, she won’t come back. I know it’s not easy, but you have to try.”

“I dinna want her to see me like that. We canna marry anymore, I dinna want her to marry a man as useless as I am.”

“Whatever, Ian, but do you really think that Jenny will let you run away that easily?” I teased him and he chuckled for the first time in a while. 

When I got downstairs, I found Jamie in the kitchen, eating in silence next to Mrs. Crook. Sighing, I hesitated to join them. It had been a while that Jamie acted weird with me. I didn’t know what was going on, but he seemed secretive and even if he still came to my house every night, I felt something was wrong with him. He had changed, and I thought that it probably was because his best friend had lost a leg, but I felt there was something more. 

Every time I talked to him about the future or about my love for him, he smiled faintly and answered in a voice so low I could barely hear him. 

It was only a few days later, when I was in my almost frozen garden that he came to see me. “Jamie! You’re just in time, can you help me carry this to my house?” I asked, pointing a frozen plant. 

He looked down at it and shook his head. “Nah, Claire. I need to talk to ye.” He said, not looking at me. 

“Alright.” 

I crossed my arms on my chest, waiting for him to talk, but he pointed towards a path with his chin. “Walk wi’ me?”

“You sound serious.” I said, coming up next to him and we walked in silence for sometime. I was alarmed and scared, all thoughts about what he could possibly want to tell me running in my mind. By the look on his face, it was nothing good. 

“What is it, Jamie?” I asked about twenty minutes later. 

“I dinna really ken how to tell ye this, Sassenach.”

I stopped, putting my hands on his chest. I lifted his head with my fingers under his chin and smiled encouragingly. “You can tell me everything, you know that.”

He nodded and swallowed hard, his adam’s apple bobbing. “I’m getting marrit.” He finally said in a breathe. 

Frowning, I shook my head. “I don’t understand. What do you mean? You want to get married now? I thought you wanted us to wait until-“

“No’ wi’ you.”

It slapped me in the face. I felt my blood rush from my head and felt suddenly about to faint. “What?”

“I’m gonna marry a lass from Leoch.”

Crossing my arms on my chest, I stayed in silence, only listening to the sound of the cold winter wind. “Why?”

“My parents arranged it with my uncle Colum. See, my parents have a debt to my mam’s family, because of the whisky we are making and the tenants from the village didna have lot of money this year and last year too. If I marry the lass, it will pay the debt.”

I couldn’t even make sense of what he was saying, my mind completely blank. Still, I managed to say something. “I thought your parents wouldn’t force you into a marriage, but let you marry out of love.”

“They wouldn’t. But it was the only way to finally pay this debt. And I agreed, I want to help my family. I’m sorry, Claire.”

I closed my eyes, trying to keep it all inside, from feeling cheated on to wanting to slap his face until he bleeds out. 

“I’m so sorry. I dinna love her, I want to marry ye. But it’s my family, they’re counting on me. I couldna refuse.”

“Shut up.” I said, taking a step back.

“Claire…” He held his hand to grab my arm, but I took another step back. 

“Don’t touch me. I don’t ever want to see you again.” I whispered and ran to my house. 

Acting without thinking, as soon as the sun started to rise, I went to get Brimstone in the stables, meeting Ellen Fraser on my way. “Ellen! What are you doing here?” I asked her surprised. 

“What are you doing here?” She said, looking at me. I was looking dreadful. I hadn’t slept all night, mostly crying and feeling terribly alone. 

“I’m going to the village. To get some herbs.” I lied. 

She frowned, clearly not believing me. “Alright. Have a nice day, then.”

I spent the day riding my mount until I finally saw it. The place where it all began. Craigh Na Dun was standing tall just in front of me. The last time I had been here, I was six years old and had traveled with my uncle Lamb. Many things had happened since then. 

Jumping off my horse, I couldn’t take my eyes from the tallest stone. It was this one. If there was one thing I recalled from what Lamb told me about our travel, it was this. When we heard the buzzing sound, Lamb took my small hands in his and put them on the stone. We woke up hours later, during the night, shaken from jumping through the veil of time. 

I ordered my horse to go home. Brimstone hesitantly walked around and I kicked her butt and she started to run back to Lallybroch. “Good horse.” I smiled sadly and walked to the circle. 

Two hours later, I was still standing in front of the stone, thinking things through. I was far less determined now than I had been in the morning. 

Where could I go?

In this time, there was no place I could go. I couldn’t stay in Lallybroch, not with Jamie and his new wife. Just the thought of it broke my heart and made me start to cry again. I couldn’t go back to Paris, there was nowhere I could go. There was always Mother Hildegarde, but I didn’t want to be there alone, especially after making plans with Jamie to live there during his years of university. I didn’t want to go in England or in any cities, I had had my share of living hopeless in the streets. There was always America, but then again I was on my own and there was no one I knew there. 

If I traveled back in time, back to my own time, there wouldn’t be anywhere for me to go too. It was foolish, my home was not the twentieth century, but here in the eighteenth. All I knew, all I could remember was being in this century. 

But it was the safest place to go, far from Jamie. This way I would never see him again, he’d be truly gone. 

I felt betrayed, heartbroken and ridiculous. Of course he was going to marry her, that’s how things worked here. He was the son of the Laird, of course he was going to be bargained into a loveless marriage. 

Why did he agree to do it? Didn’t he love me enough not to do it? 

His mother was supposed to marry another man, but still she had ran away with his father. Why couldn’t he?

I didn’t want to go back to my time, but I wanted to disappear. 

So I got up and started to walk to the tallest stone. My shaking hands reached for it and I took a big breath before placing my hands on it.


	9. The Stones

I couldn’t do it. Leave it all behind because of Jamie. My life was here in this time, in Scotland, at Lallybroch. Whether Jamie was part of it or not.

Turning around, I closed my shaky arms over my chest, realizing the importance of what I had almost done. 

Not wanting to spend one more minute around the stones that were calling after me, I started walking back to Lallybroch. It was dark outside, even though it was barely noon, it looked like the night was about to fall. Not that I was in a hurry to get back to Lallybroch, but the idea of spending another night outside wasn’t the most charming. 

How could I live with this? Jamie would either go live with his lass at Leoch or bring her here, to Lallybroch. Both ideas I didn’t know if I could accept. 

How could he? I asked myself for the hundredth time since he told me he was getting married to someone else. I knew he loved me and a part of me understood why he had accepted, but I couldn’t help but feel cheated on. 

Then I saw him. His fiery mop of red hair, the most amazing mop of hair I had ever seen, flying around his head as his horse ran in my direction. I wanted to leave, my heart breaking just at the sight of the man who would never be mine, I wanted to run back to the stones. But I froze, incapable of moving. 

“Claire!” He said, looking relieved. He jumped from his horse and took me in his arms. I pushed him away and he looked at me with wild eyes. 

“I said I never wanted to see you again!” My voice broke when I spoke. “Don’t talk to me.” I continued on my path to Lallybroch, but he grabbed my hand. 

“Claire! I need to talk to ye, Sassenach. Please, I dinna think I’ve explained properly.” 

“Well no need to, because I understand fine well everything. You’re a bastard, Jamie Fraser. A fucking bastard.” Looking at him straight in the eyes, I spat out, “I hate you. I don’t ever want you to talk to me again.” I turned again, walking quickly to get away from him.

“I’ll no’ marry her.” He said, almost in a whisper. I stopped, wanting to hear more. “I told my parents it was a mistake. That they couldna force me into marrying the lass. I told them that I would work on paying the debt without marrying her.”

Swallowing, I slowly turned around. “Why?”

“Because… I canna do this, Claire. I love you and it breaks my heart to break yers. I would understand if you dinna wish to talk to me again, but I willna marry her one way or the other.”

We stayed silent for a while, only listening to the sound of the wind. 

“Do you really love me?”

The corner of his mouth curled up into the most adorable smile. “Aye. I do love ye Claire. More than my own life, more than anything! That’s why I told my parents I wasna going to marry Laoghaire. I want to be wi’ ye, only ye.”

“Did you tell them about us?”

“Of course no! I wouldna want them to punish ye for it. When it’s all my fault.” His face turned pink in shame. 

“Your fault?” 

“Aye. It’s me who couldna keep my cock in my breeks. To take you before I wed ye, that’s something I never thought I would do.”

“So you say that you forced yourself into my bed? Don’t you remember that I’m the one who asked you to come?” 

He looked mildly confused about my anger. “Well… Aye, but…”

“It was my choice… and I strongly regret it now!” I pushed him and went on walking. I stopped then, turning around to face him, my arms crossed on my chest. “You lied to me, Jamie. How long have you known?”

“Just a few days.” He said in a low voice. “But they asked me a a few days before that. I didna know what to do, Claire. Ye need to understand. It wasna easy for me to choose between ye and my family.”

“Oh! It must have been terrible for you! You know Jamie, you only think about yourself all the time! Only about your future and your life and your priorities. Not mine!” Tears threatened to spill down my cheeks, but I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry.

“I dinna think you understand what I did just for you!”

“For me?” I slapped him in the face. Very hard. “It’s all your fault! Why did you accept?”

His jaw clenched and his face was red in anger. “I spent everyday of my life working for this house, for Lallybroch. Everyday I work hard until I ache in my bones and no one ever tells me anything about it!” He screamed. “And then they force me into marrying a lass I dinna ken! They dinna care about me, my parents, they never talk to me, they never congratulate me and they dinna even care to notice that I havna spent a night in the house since I went wi’ ye to yer bed.” He kept silent for a moment. “I dinna ken what I am, Claire.”

“And you thought you’d find yourself marrying a girl from Leoch?”

“No! I… I wanted to please them… To do what they expected from me and make them proud.”

Without even knowing why, I took a step closer to him, my arms still clenched around me. “What made you change your mind?”

“I realized that I dinna care about what they think of me… As much as I care of what ye think.” He took my hands in his and held them against his chest. “I want to marry ye. Now.”

“Jamie…”

“If ye still want me.”

I shrugged, not daring to look into his eyes. “I… Have doubts. I can’t help. You broke my heart. I…”

“I’m so sorry.” Jamie kissed my knuckles, gripping my hands so hard it hurt. “I’ll do whatever for ye to forgive me… I’ll beg on my knees if I need to.” He lifted my chin with his fingers. “We can handfast tonight. I ken a priest in a village near here. He’d do it.”

“Jamie… I don’t know.” I felt my eyes tear up. “I’m… scared.”

“About what?”

“You broke my heart. I can’t let it happen again.”

“I won’t. I promise, Sassenach. If I could go back in time to change things, I would… And there is something else.”

“What now?” I rolled my eyes slightly. 

“My parents werena verra happy when I told them I wasna going to marry the lass. So the only actual way we can stop this wedding is by marrying each other. If I am handfast to ye, we’ll be wedded for a year. We’d have a year to get married the way you want it, proper like ye deserve.”

“Christ.” I whispered. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Marry me.” He encouraged me, bending his head to kiss me but not doing it until I reached forward last inches. 

I closed my eyes letting a tear fall on my face. I didn’t want to cry in front of him, I didn’t want him to think I was weak, but I couldn’t help it. “Yes. I will marry you. I’m so sorry, Jamie. That you had to do this.” I took him in my arms and hugged him tightly. 

“Dinna fash, Sassenach.” He said, kissing my hair. “Thank ye for forgiving me.”

***

Handfasting in a small church in front of an old priest and a young man named Willie wasn’t the kind of wedding I thought I’d have as a kid. I knew girls liked to dream of their perfect day, at least the girls from my time, but I’d never given much thought about that. Until I met Jamie. I didn’t care about the wedding, all I cared about was him. 

“Repeat the words after me, Sassenach.” Jamie said, looking at our joined hands. 

Is tu fuil ‘o mo chuislean, is tu cnaimh de mo chnaimh.  
Is leatsa mo bhodhaig, chum gum bi sinn ‘n ar n-aon.  
Is leatsa m’anam gus an criochnaich ar saoghal.

I didn’t know what the words meant, but they were beautiful. Then, when the priest said Jamie could kiss the bride, I couldn’t help but smile brightly at him. Things would be alright. 

***

“Your mother is so not going to love this.” I told him, looking at the sky in front of us. We were sitting by a small river in front of a fire, looking at the sun setting down in a mix of pastel colours. 

“Probably not, but I dinna care.” Jamie said, pulling me next to him and kissing the top of my head. “She’ll get used to calling you Claire Fraser.” He smiled proudly and I couldn’t help but smile back. 

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it.” I pointed to the sky. “Truly beautiful.”

“Aye.” Turning around, I saw that Jamie was staring at me with loving eyes. “Can I ask ye something?”

I nodded, taking a sip of whisky from his bottle. 

“Do ye think I dinna really love ye?”

“I hope you do. You just married me!” I joked, but he was serious, encouraging me to say more with a smile. “Yes. Why are you asking me this?”

“Earlier… You asked me if I did love ye. I thought maybe ye had doubts about my love for ye. And I would understand… I mean… Other than going into your bed every night, I’ve never… Done anything to show ye my love.” He said sheepishly, his hand tracing slowly on my open palm.

“You have. You built a house for me, you helped me with my garden… You fought a duel for me.” I playfully poked his ribs with my elbow. “You gave up on your family for me… In a way.” 

He nodded, not looking completely reassured. “But you know, Jamie, you’ll have plenty of time to show me you love me.” I smiled and kissed him. “What do you think your parents will say?”

“They’ll hate me.” I said, a moment later, running my hand through my curls, sighing at the thought of facing his parents who had so graciously taken me into their home. 

“Och, nae! Dinna fash, Mrs. Fraser. It will take some time, maybe, but I think many people in the house ken about us. It’s no’ a big surprise. Why? Are ye scared of my mom?”

“I hope she will still like me after she learns the truth.”

“Weel… There’s one way to find out.” Jamie said getting up and offering me a hand. 

***

Our walk from the stables to the house was silent. Jamie was holding my sweaty hand, walking proudly, his head up. Things were about to change around here. Who knows what was going to happen once Jamie told his parents. 

There was something else. Now Jamie and I were husband and wife, but he didn’t know me, really know me. He didn’t know where I came from and he didn’t know my past, even if he thought he did. Eventually, I would have to tell him the truth. All of it.

Ellen and Brian Fraser were sitting in the study, talking business over a glass of whisky. They looked at us, mildly surprised when we entered the room, their eyes shifting down to our linked hands. 

“Claire and I were handfast, a few hours ago. ” Jamie said, looking relieved at the end of the sentence. 

“What?” Ellen asked, getting up. 

“Claire and I were handfast, a few hours ago.” He repeated, talking quickly to get it out. 

A heavy, uncomfortable silence fell over the room, the only sound in the room the rush of wind outside. “What about your obligations?” Brian asked, looking a little confused. Ellen’s stare, on the other hand, was like daggers. I tried to look away, but I couldn’t help but stare back at her. 

“I love her and she loves me. We’ve been talking about it for months. We’ll have a wedding ceremony when Claire wants to in the summer.” 

“But Jamie-“

“You always told me that you wouldna force me to marry anyone. You always said I will be able to do as ye did and marry out of love. So I did. Just like ye two, ran away together when Mam was going to marry someone else.”

“It was different, Jamie.” Ellen said, in a strangely calm voice. 

“No, it wasna. I said I was going to pay that debt, just no’ by marrying the lass from Leoch! And I dinna care if ye dinna agree. If we need to, Claire and I will leave Lallybroch. Come, Sassenach,” He said, leading me out of the room to my house. 

***

“I’m sorry.” He said, later when we were lying in bed, his fingers brushing my arm. 

I turned around to face him and smiled. “About what?”

“About everything. I ken that the wedding wasna perfect and my parents’ reaction…”

“I don’t care.” I took his face in my hands and kissed him. “I only care that I have you, Jamie.” He sighed, reassured. “You did mess up, with that wedding obligation, but I understand why you accepted. I mean, if Lamb had asked me such a thing, I probably would have agreed. I admire you.”

His shiny piercing blue eyes looked up straight at me and the corner of his mouth curled up. “Why?”

“I mean… You’re a hardworking young man, more than many I know, and you care a lot. You treat me with respect and love and I’m proud to be your wife.” I chuckled at the last words. 

“I admire you, too, mo nighean donn. You’re very strong and very smart. You have a good touch… and you’re an excellent teacher.” He attempted at a wink and kissed me. “I’m proud to call ye Mrs. Fraser. I love ye.” 

“I love you too.”

I kissed him, turning him on his back and straddled him in one fluid motion. 

The morning after, Jamie was still asleep when I woke up and dressed for the day. I was determined to go talk to Ellen Fraser and have her and her husband’s good graces. Putting my hair into a messy bun, I put a shawl around my shoulders and opened the door to my house and came face to face with someone, in the dim light of the early morning. 

“Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ!” I exclaimed at the sight of their shadow. “Oh, Ellen, it’s you. You scared me.”

“We’ll make the wedding here, at Lallybroch. That’s my only condition. Jamie and ye will be wed by the summer here…” There was something else on her mind, but she couldn’t say the words. “I… I thought things through and… I’m happy for ye and my son. I give ye my blessings.”


	10. Last Christmas

Ellen wanted to be sure everything would be perfect for the Christmas celebrations, or Yuletide, as it was more commonly referred to in the Highlands a. For weeks I told her ideas I had, some more modern, about a nice way to celebrate this year. The people from the village nearby, Broch Mordha, were coming to Lallybroch and Jamie even told me that his Aunt Jocasta was coming from clan Cameron.

‘‘She’s a MacKenzie, but she married a Cameron, not the same Cameron she is married to today. She was married to two Camerons, I think.’’ He told me one night during supper, when his mother announced that we were expecting them. ‘‘Last time my Mam saw her I wasna even born.’’ He whispered with a grin.

There would be a lot of food, so I assisted Jenny who was helping in the kitchen, when I wasn’t busy healing wounds and burns from the furnaces or from cuts made by the knives used for vegetables. Ellen was growing more nervous as the days passed and the day before the guests were arriving, Mrs Bug tried to calm her down, telling her that everything would be alright. But she was Jamie’s mother, a stubborn Fraser and she would not sit down for a minute. ‘‘Claire!’’ She called after me. ‘‘Will you please go get some flour in the pantry behind the house?’’ 

Putting my tartan around my shoulders, I walked out of the house, keeping my eye out for any sign of Jamie, who had gone out with his father. He and Brian had left a week ago to the villages around Lallybroch to collect money and set matters for our reception. They were supposed to come back yesterday, but there had been a big snowstorm, and I assumed they had stayed one more night. 

I missed Jamie terribly. Since we handfasted, Jamie and I hadn’t been apart for longer than a day of work. We had spent beautiful moments together, now that we no longer had to hide. We could walk holding hands or sit together in Lallybroch without stirring up gossip.

It was freezing in the pantry and it was also very dark. I lit a few candles near the entrance before closing the wooden door.There were many jars with all kinds of food, but it didn’t take me long to find the flour. I moved the chair in the corner against the wall to climb on it and reached the pot. When I turned around, my heart almost stopped at the sight of the tall shadow in front of me. ‘‘Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ! You scared the hell out of me,’’ I chuckled.

Grinning, Jamie took the flour from my hands and put it down on the floor near his feet. He grabbed my waist and pulled me against him, breathing warm air against my neck. ‘‘God, I missed ye, Sassenach,’’ He whispered, kissing the sensitive skin behind my ear, making every hair on my body stand up to attention. 

‘‘Jamie, stop!’’ I tried to push him away, not wanting to get caught here, looking like a bunch of lovesick teenagers. ‘‘They’re expecting me to come back any minute now.’’

‘‘Maybe you got lost on your way over here.’’ He bit my lower lip with his teeth making me hiss and then his hands fondled my arse. ‘‘I need ye, Sassenach. I thought I wouldna survive being away from you for so long.’’ He kissed my neck and chest, letting the tartan fall on the floor. ‘‘Didn’t ye miss me?’’

‘‘I did, but Jamie…’’ I tried to fight him, but I couldn’t keep my eyes opened as his lips did wonderful things on my skin. 

I pushed him down on the seat, surprising him with a grunt, then straddled him, pressing myself flush against him. He was very hard and I was very ready as well, having missed him for so long. Lifting up his kilt, I fought with the layers of my dress before finally grabbing his throbbing cock and guiding him into me with a gentle sigh of relief. I pressed down on him, making us both moan and started rocking my hips excruciatingly slow. He looked at me with hooded eyes and a mouth half open. ‘‘Claire, please,’’ He begged, his hands grabbing my hips to speed up the rhythm. 

I ran my fingers in his wet hair from the snow, making slow motions with my hips. Jamie groaned, bucking his hips up. I couldn’t go on like this for very long as we both built towards our climax. ‘‘Oh God! Claire.’’ He groaned and I cried out as he spilled himself inside me.

We rested in silence for a moment, my head on his shoulder, listening the sound of our heartbeats. ‘‘I’m glad you’re back.’’ I looked up at him and smiled sheepishly.

‘‘Aye, I see that.’’

‘‘You didn’t give me much of a choice.’’ I kissed him, putting my arms around his neck. 

‘‘I have a wee gift for ye.’’ He said a moment later.

‘‘Really?’’ I couldn’t help but smile. ‘‘What is it?’’

‘‘I’ll give it to ye later… Tonight. Or tomorrow, I dinna ken. But now we should go back.’’

I reluctantly moved to get up, Jamie groaning slightly as he left me. I gave him a hand to help him up. He smiled and took it, giving it a tight squeeze. ‘‘You must be hungry. There are plenty of things in the kitchen you can eat. But leave some for tomorrow.’’

***

I couldn’t really recall my Christmases in the past, before I traveled in time with Uncle Lamb. Most of the memories I had of my parents were tales Lamb had told me, but I could sometimes see glimpses of images of me in the snow with my parents when we spent Christmas in England or in France. With Uncle Lamb, we’d find a little tree somewhere and take it to the Apothecary store. We didn’t have many things to put on it, but we always managed to create this little universe for ourselves. We’d eat by the fire and give each other a small present, even if we didn’t have much money to buy anything.

‘‘I think it’s an amazing night, don’t you think?’’ Jenny said, sitting on the empty chair next to me. The house was full of smiling people, drinking, eating and dancing. I couldn’t help but feel my heart grow warm in my chest at the sight.

‘‘Yes, it is.’’ I smiled.

After Jamie and I were handfast, Jenny didn’t talk to me for some days. She was mad at me for not telling her before that I was with her brother. It didn’t take her long though for her to accept my apology. She was more than happy to have me as a sister and so was I.

She looked tired and even if Ian was slowly getting better, I knew it was weighing on her. ‘‘Don’t worry,’’ I said, taking her hand in mine. ‘‘This next year is going to be great,’’ I smiled at her and she nodded, hopeful. ‘‘I canna wait to become an auntie.’’ She grinned and I poked her ribs, making her laugh. 

‘‘You’ll be an auntie before me.’’ 

‘‘Oh, that I can tell ye is wrong. Ye need to make babies if ye want to have some.’’ She whispered. 

‘‘I told you things were going to get better. I promise.’’ 

‘‘I hope yer right, Claire Fraser.’’ She got up and handed me her hands. ‘‘Come dance wi’ me.’’

I didn’t know how long we danced to the bagpipes and drums, but it felt like no time had passed at all I wished moments like this would never stop. ‘‘My head is spinning.’’ She laughed. 

‘‘Go drink something,’’ I pointed in the direction of the kitchen and my eyes met Jamie’s. He was looking at me with a smile that made me melt inside and I couldn’t help but smile like an idiot back at him. He made a sign for me to follow him. I excused myself to Jenny and walked over to him.

‘‘What is it?’’ I asked.

‘‘I’d like ye to meet someone.’’ He took my hand in his and walked us towards an attroupement of people. Ellen’s sister Jocasta was standing next to a man I presumed was her husband. ‘‘Auntie.’’ Jamie said, taking a step towards with me. ‘‘May I present ye my wife? Claire Beauchamp Fraser.’’ He smiled at me encouraging me to walk in front of him to his aunt.

‘‘Wife?’’ She looked at me surprised, then to her sister.

‘‘Aye. We were handfast.’’ Jamie smiled proudly, putting his arm around my waist.

‘‘Enchanted.’’ I said to Jocasta, awkwardly bending in front of her.

‘‘Enchanted.’’ She said, looking from the top of my bird nest hair to my feet. ‘‘Claire.’’ She finally smiled and took my hand between both of her hands. ‘‘This is my husband, Hugh Cameron. I’m glad to see my nephew has gotten married.” She smiled awkwardly and started talking about her marriage to Hugh. “I always said to my husband that in a marriage there can be secrets, but no lies.’’ She looked at me.

I felt my cheeks turn red. What the hell did she mean? I smiled. ‘‘It was nice to meet you, Mrs. Cameron.’’

***

‘‘I’m so exhausted, I dinna even ken how we did this twice.’’ Jamie languorously stretched out his legs, making his joints crack, a contented groan escaping his lips.

I smiled, but it didn’t convince Jamie. ‘‘Is something wrong, Sassenach? Ye’ve been acting weird since we met my auntie. Didn’t ye like her?’’ He looked up at me, kissing the skin on my arm.

I sat against the bed frame and Jamie laid his head on my thighs with a sigh. ‘‘Mmm.. Ye smell good, Sassenach.’’ He grinned, biting the skin gently on the inside of my legs.

Since our meeting with Jocasta, I couldn’t help but feel terrible. My heart was heavy in my chest, making it hard for me to swallow. I knew I had to tell Jamie the truth about my parents and about me, but I was afraid he’d reject me. Think me a witch and his family would send me to burnt alive.

‘‘Claire. Usually when I bite yer soft skin ye react more than that.’’ He said, sitting up in front of me. ‘‘Somethin’s wrong. Tell me, mo nighean donn.’’ He said softly. ‘‘Is it because of my gift? Are ye no’ happy about it?’’

‘‘No, Jamie.’’ I smiled, stroking his cheek with my thumb. ‘‘I love it very much.’’ I kissed him.

Slightly drunk, Jamie and I had walked to our house in a hurry and had made love on the floor of my surgery, not even bothering to reach the bedroom. Afterwards, when we laid next to the fireplace, he had gotten up to his sporran and took out a beautiful silver ring.

‘‘That’s your gift?’’ I exclaimed, sitting up and he bend in front of me.

‘‘Aye. It’s a ring. For our wedding. I’m sorry it took so long, but I wanted it to be perfect for ye.’’ He said, the tip of his ears turning pink. ‘‘Here, try it.’’ He smiled, sliding the ring on the wedding finger of my right hand. It fit perfectly. 

I looked down at the ring and couldn’t help but smile. ‘‘It’s so beautiful, Jamie. Where did you get it?’’

‘‘It’s made from my key to Lallybroch… I... Wanted ye to ken that this place was as much yours as it’s mine.’’ He looked up at me and smiled.

‘‘Thank you.’’ I kissed him. ‘‘It’s perfect.’’

‘‘If it’s no’ the ring, what is it, then?’’

‘‘There’s something I never told you.’’ I said, looking away from him. 

‘‘What is it?’’

‘‘About my past… And my parents… If I tell you something crazy… Will you try to believe me?’’

He frowned and nodded, watching as I walked to the fireplace, where I kept my vase and the pictures of my parents. I sat back next to Jamie and showed him the small painting of Uncle Lamb and I. ‘‘This is my Uncle Lamb. When we were in Paris.’’

Not really understanding where I was heading, he nodded and looked at the painting. ‘‘I didna really imagined him like that, but he seemed like a kind man.’’

‘‘He was.’’ I smiled, feeling my hands tremble slightly. From the little pocket, I took the picture of me and my parents and handed it to him. ‘‘That’s me as a baby with my parents. In front of our Oxfordshire house.’’

‘‘What the devil… What kind of painting is that?’’ He looked up at me in wonder.

‘‘It’s not a painting. It’s a photograph.’’

He looked at me with the cutest innocent smile. ‘‘I dinna ken what that is.’’

 

‘‘No, because it hasn’t been invented yet. The first photograph was taken in 1826… Or 1827, I don’t really remember.’’ I said, my voice trembling. 

Jamie frowned, looking completely lost. ‘‘I dinna understand, Claire.’’ He said, looking from me to the picture.

‘‘I was born on the October 20th of the year 1918.’’ I took a breathe before adding “I’m from the future.”


	11. Into Paris

Even if I knew it was a temporary situation, I still couldn’t help but feel a knot in my stomach as I packed up my clothes and my surgical tools. Jamie opened the door to our house, letting a strong wind enter and made the hair on my arms stand up. “How’s everything going?” He asked, putting a small kiss on my cheek. 

“Fine,” I said.

Of course, he could read me like an open book. He sat on the bed, making the mattress groan under his weight. He took my hands in his and caressed them softly with his thumbs. I looked up at him and saw his raised eyebrow, waiting for me to tell him what was wrong. “We dinna have to leave,” he said in a whisper. “If ye want to stay, Claire, I dinna mind.”

I shook my head and smiled. “It’s alright, Jamie. I’m just nervous at the idea of going back to France… Back to Paris and to leave Lallybroch. Our home.” I shrugged and he dragged me to sit on his knees. 

“I ken, Sassenach. It pains me to leave as well, but ‘tis only for a year. After, we’ll come back here. Ye’ll go back to yer surgery and I’ll help my father wi’ the farm and the whisky.”

He gave my hip a squeeze and kissed my forehead. “This willna be the biggest travel ye’ve made,” he smiled.

Ever since I told Jamie about traveling through the stones two hundred years in the past, he never stopped asking questions about my own time. He clearly didn’t understand everything I told him, but he never said anything about it, only smiled or asked me if I missed this time period. I didn’t. My life was here, in the 18th century, in Scotland and by his side. “I can’t really go back now,” I had teased him on our wedding night, a month ago, showing off his ring. “I wouldn’t want to leave Adso alone.”

After packing up, Jamie and I walked to Lallybroch for dinner, our last dinner before sailing for France. Ellen spent the evening talking to us about how she was going to miss us and how she was hoping we’d be happy there. “And I dinna mind if ye come back here wi’ a wee bread in the oven,” she winked at me, making my cheeks flush. 

Before going back to our house, we said goodbye to everyone. I hugged Jenny and Ian, telling them how much I was going to miss them and how much I regretted I wasn’t going to be there when she gives birth to her bairn. Brian, who had finally accepted my marriage to Jamie, kissed my hand and said to me, “take care of my son, Claire. He needs ye.”

“I will,” I smiled and hugged him. He was the only father that I had.  
When I turned to Ellen, she took me in her arms and kissed my hair. “I will see ye tomorrow morning before ye leave, but before I forget everything I want to say…” she pulled back and looked at me with a smile, her eyes bright with tears. “I hope we see ye soon, Claire. Take good care of my son. I hope ye’ll be fine at Jared’s, but not too fine, I want ye to come back to Lallybroch.”

The morning after, we rode to the port where we would sail to Le Havre. 

I could feel Jamie tense beside me during the entire trip. When we walked on the deck towards the Cristabel, one of Jared’s, I heard him swallow. “That’s a big ship!” I exclaimed.

“Aye,” he said, barely audibly. 

“Milord!” Fergus said, coming to stand next to us. He had asked to come along, saying he’d like to go back to his native town, but I knew fine well that the real reason behind his desire to follow us was not to be parted from Jamie. “I’ll try to stay far from ye, I don’t want to be sick myself.” He chuckled mockingly at my husband. He gave him a deadly look, making me look up at Jamie with a raised brow. “Nothing, Sassenach,” he said between clenched teeth.

Once we set foot on the ship, I understood what Fergus meant. Jamie immediately ran to throw up overboard. I ran after him, putting a hand on his back as he emptied his stomach content. “Jamie! Are you alright?” Clearly not, but I asked nonetheless. Once he was done, he ran the back of his hand on his mouth and straightened up. “I think I’ll be.” His face was white like a ghost, his eyes watering. “Come lie down,” I said and dragged him in the cave of the ship. 

“I dinna think that’s a good idea.”

Jamie spent the first night on the ship throwing up in a bucket, making me seriously worried about his health. I didn’t know what was left to be thrown out of him and everything I tried to make him eat to make him feel better, he waved it away. I walked to the tiny room we shared with a ginger tea in hand. “Here, it should make you feel better.”

“I dinna want it,” he said, spitting in the bucket. There was a strong vomit scent in the room making me consider the idea of sleeping on the deck. 

“You prefer to be sick? Do you want to die or something?” I came to sit next to him, handing him the cup. “You won’t get rid of me that easily James Fraser, so drink it up before I call Fergus to help me shove it down your throat.”

He raised a brow in my direction and looked down in the bottom of his bucket.

“If you don’t drink it… I won’t sleep with you for… A few days once we arrive in Paris,” I said, trying to sound threatening. The corner of his mouth twitched up, which I read as a good sign. 

 

“Lying wi’ ye is the last thing on my mind at the moment, Sassenach. But I’ll do it for the sake of my balls once we arrive and I feel better.” He took the cup with a shaky hand and drank it straight. He grimaced as the liquid ran down his throat, moving to throw it back in the bucket, but I stopped him. “Drink. I know it doesn’t taste good, but you have to drink it.”

His deep blue eyes were looking at me filled with worry, as if wondering if I was trying to poison him. “What on earth was that Sassenach?”

“You’ll have to drink it twice a day,” I smiled and moved a wet curl on his forehead to kiss him there. “You’re boiling with fever, Jamie. Try to lie down.”

“I canna… Makes me want to vomit.” He closed his eyes for a moment, breathing hard, a drop of sweat forming on his upper lip. “If I die, Claire, will ye go back to Lallybroch or back to yer own time?” he asked, opening one eye to look at me. 

“I… What kind of question is that! You will not die, Jamie. I won’t let you.”

He chuckled and took my hand in his. “I really feel like I will… Or at least… I want to.” 

Fortunately, Jamie didn’t die and we finally reached Le Havre before he did. Jared came to meet us at the port and rode with us to his Paris house. He showed us around, presenting us to the people working there and I immediately felt welcome even if I was a little uneasy at the idea of having people working for me. Fergus would have a little room for himself and Jamie and I would share a big, luxurious bedroom. 

When it was dinner time, I ate with Fergus only. Jamie was still feeling weak after spending the trip throwing up and wasn’t really attracted by the idea of food. Instead, he kissed my head and went to wash. “Meet me in the bedroom,” he whispered in my hair and walked out of the dining room. 

I joined him some time later. He was lying on the bed, the fire in the fireplace was lighting up and warming the room. “Hey,” I smiled, closing the door behind me. He was only wearing a clean shirt, his legs crossed on the bed. “Did you sleep?” I asked, sitting next to him. The window at my right was opened, letting the sounds from down the street reach our ears. 

“Aye, a wee bit. I feel much better now,” he smiled and I put my hand on his. “How was the dinner?”

“Good, actually. It had been a while since I ate french food. I can’t say I didn’t miss it, no matter how good the food is at Lallybroch,” I smiled, immediately regretting the mention of our home. Jamie seemed to notice it. “I’m sorry, I-”

“It’s fine, Sassenach. This home is not lost… It’s a temporary situation. In fact, my mother must be happy I’m away for a wee bit… I’m not causing any trouble while I’m here,” he smirked, making me chuckle.

“It’s beautiful, here. I don’t think I’ve ever lived in a place this…” I looked around, trying to find the right words. 

“Aye, I ken,” Jamie smiled, after I couldn’t describe the place. “When ye were here with yer uncle… Was it much different? Where ye lived?”

I closed my gown around my chest, feeling the chill of the night on my bare skin. “Well, yes. We lived in a small apartment just in the back of his Apothecary store. There was only two rooms with few windows. We didn’t always have enough to eat…”

“I’m sorry,” he said, bringing my hand to his mouth and putting a kiss on my knuckles. 

“For what?”

“That ye had to go through that. I never kent misery, really. I spent some time in the woods wi’ my uncle Dougal or when I was in France… But it was never for long… Ye lived in misery for so many years.”

“Well, it wasn’t that bad.”

“Sassenach,” Jamie said, the blue of his eyes very serious on me. “When my Mam found ye, ye were dying in the cold streets of Edinburgh. That’s bad.”

“I was lucky she found me.”

“Aye and I was lucky ye came to me.” 

I bent to kiss him, his lips soft against mine. I rested my forehead against his, simply enjoying the proximity of his body. “I’m…” I trailed off, not knowing how to say what was on my mind. “I’ve been thinking about Mother Hildegarde a lot on our way here. I want to go see her, tell her how I’m doing and everything that I’ve learned since the last time I saw her. I want to see how she’s doing and how it is going at the Hôpital. But at the same time… I’m so scared… I’m scared to go back there and… Open the door to old demons from my past. Maybe this sounds intense, but I accepted my uncle’s death and I put this life I had with him all behind me, but I’m scared his ghost will come and haunt me. I miss him so much… I don’t know if I can do it.”

Jamie didn’t answer, only lifted my chin and looked at me with soft eyes. “Sassenach, Claire. Ye have time to figure this out. We’ve only arrived and we’ll be here for more than a year… Ye dinna have to go see her immediately, ye can take the time to think and prepare yerself. She willna be running away.”

I couldn’t help but smile. “You’re right, damn you.” I kissed him, feeling the weight on my shoulders disappear. 

“I’m always right,” he grinned.

“Yes, if you think so.”

He chuckled and I got up, went to close the window and stood, my back turned to him. “Are ye alright?” he asked.

Taking a breathe, I unbelted my gown and slowly let it fall on the ground. I turned around to see Jamie looking at me with a open mouth. “Since you drank the tea I made for you on the ship, I have to keep my part of the bargain as well.”

A big smile slowly spread on his face as I clumsily walked to him. He made move to get up, but I stopped him with a hand on his chest. “Don’t hurry, you’ll get dizzy. I’m the doctor here, so you have to listen to everything that I say,” I said while straddling him. I felt his cock hard against my stomach, and I slightly moved against it to make him groan. 

“Christ, Sassenach,” he panted, putting his hands on my waist. “Ye’re so beautiful.”

Taking his cock in my hand, I gently stroked it, making him close his eyes and reach to grab the sheet. “You’re still weak from your sickness, Mister Fraser, I’ll have to be gentle.” 

A drop of sweat slid from the line of his hair, to his nose and down his upper lip. “No need to, I’m alright.”

“Are you sure?” I teased, guiding him to my entrance.

He arched his back crying out “God, yes!” and I sat down on him.

***

A few weeks after our arrival, I still hadn’t gone to see Mother Hildegarde or visit Lamb’s apothecary store. Jamie had started university and spent most of his days away from home. Even if he always ran to come home at night, I missed him and had never spent so much time apart with him. 

I found myself bored to death. Because of Jared’s high position in the french society, Jamie and I ended up going to many dinners and meeting with a lot of french nobles. Not that I cared much, but it was the best distraction I had. Eventually, I made friends with the Princess of Guéméné, Louise de Latour and we spent a lot of time together, drinking tea or waxing our legs. I missed my herbs and I missed healing, but I was not yet ready to go see Mother Hildegarde.

“Bonjour mon chéri,” I told Jamie, when he arrived home one night. It was already dark outside and he looked very tired after a long day. I really wished I could say the same. 

“Bonjour,” he smiled and kissed me. “Suzette? Is the dinner ready?” He asked the maid, looking over my shoulder.

“Almost ready, Monsieur Fraser.”

Jamie put his arm around my shoulder and walked us to the dining room. “I was thinking about visiting Mother Hildegarde tomorrow.” I told him.

“Really? You think ye’re ready?”

“Well, the question is will I ever be ready? I’ll stop waiting and create the opportunity myself.”

Jamie smiled and kissed my cheeks. “That’s my wife.” 

I couldn’t help but smile sheepishly at him. “Come on, let’s eat. I’m hungry,” he smiled.

***  
When I woke up the next morning, Jamie had already left for university. My head was dizzy and I felt as if my heart was in my throat, ready to come out. I ran to the chamber pot and threw up my dinner from last night. “Christ,” I said, spitting. Moaning in pain, I crawled back to bed and fell asleep again. It was a light sleep, I was conscious of everything going on around me, but at the same time it was as if I were in another world where space and time was different.

“Madame Fraser!” Suzette exclaimed at the sight of me. “Are ye not feeling alright, then?” She asked, putting a hand on my burning forehead. “Mon Dieu! Vous êtes brûlante de fièvre!”

She ran out of the room and came back with a wet cloth she put on my forehead. “It’s alright, Suzette, thank you, but I’m fine.”

I was sick during the morning and spent the day in my bed. I didn’t know what was going on in my body, but I had a fine idea. I hadn’t had my period yet, it was only a few days late, but I had never been a day late since I first got them. 

Pregnancy wasn’t the thing I was most familiar with, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized I should’ve seen the signs before. Jamie had mentioned one night how often I got up to pee, when usually I didn’t more than once. I had spent days sleeping or waking up later than usual and found myself tired or exhausted not long after standing up. “Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ.” I concluded.


	12. Her

After giving much thought about how to tell Jamie about the pregnancy, he was the first to mention it one night when we were lying in bed, lazily caressing each other after a long day.

“It’s been awhile since ye’ve had yer courses,” he said in a low voice, his hand caressing my belly. 

“Uh… What? Are you counting?” I asked, rather surprised but found his attentiveness heartwarming.

The corner of his mouth twitched up when he looked up at me. “Weel… I’m a farmer, ye ken. I guess I do wi’out actually thinking ‘bout it.” He smiled. “So…” he trailed off, “are ye…?”

“Pregnant?” Just mentioning it out loud made my cheeks flush. “Well, I can’t really be sure, but I think so. I’m late in my periods and I’ve been feeling nauseous a lot and…”

Jamie interrupted me with a wet kiss on my mouth. “That’s great, Sassenach.” His smile was wide, his teeth shining in the dark of the room. He bent down and kissed my flat belly, making me chuckle. 

“But I’m not sure, there is always a chance that I’m only late and…” I squeaked in surprised when Jamie turned on his back, bringing me on top of him, kissing me deeply. 

“I am sure. I can feel it in my heart.” He said, looking deep into my eyes, his hand on my belly.

And he wasn’t wrong. 

I was very pregnant. Even if it wasn’t very apparent yet, especially under the dresses I wore in Paris, I had many symptoms like terrible morning sickness and Jamie said I had less patience than usual, which didn’t actually mean a whole lot. At least, that’s what he said. 

After learning I was carrying a baby, I decided to wait to go to see Mother Hildegarde. I wasn’t feeling healthy all the time and was easily tired. One afternoon, though, I was much better and was bored to death in this damn Paris house. I asked Magnus, the butler at Jared’s house to prepare the horses and with Fergus we rode to l’Hôpital des anges. 

I started feeling nauseous again, but I knew fine well it wasn’t because of the pregnancy. I was excited, but also very scared at the idea of seeing Mother Hildegarde again, hoping she was still working here.

There were people lying on the stairs to the hôpital. They were sick and the sight of them gave me assurance that I had made a good decision to come help. “Excusez-moi. J’aimerais voir Mother Hildegarde.” I asked to a nun at the entry of the hospital. I had improved my french since we had arrived here. “Dites que c’est Claire Beauchamp qui la demande.”

I decided to use my maiden name, I wanted to be sure the name would ring a bell. She disappeared and I waited for a few minutes. There was a strong smell of sickness in the hôpital, but I immediately felt at home, as if I had never left this place.

“Claire Beauchamp, it really is you.” I turned around to see her, staring at me, her hands clasped in front of her mouth. “When Soeur Elise came to say that there was a Claire Beauchamp here to see me, I thought I had misheard.” She walked to me, putting her hands on my shoulders, looking from my feet to the top of my head. “You haven’t changed a bit, but you’ve grown into a beautiful woman.” She smiled.

“Thank you, Mother. You look well too.” She smiled, putting a large hand on my cheek. Suddenly, I saw her eyes drifted from mine to my belly. Her jaw fell open as she put a hand on my stomach. “A baby.” 

I nodded with a big smile. “Yes. I’m married now.”

“Married.” She repeated with a curve on her lips, but I couldn’t tell if she thought this was a good or a bad new. 

“Yes. To a scot. His name is Jamie Fraser.”

“Oh, I see.” She chuckled and took my hands in hers. “Well, it is a pleasure to see you again Claire Fraser.”

“I’ve come to help. My husband is studying at the University and I found myself quite idle so I thought I could come and offer any assistance where it’s needed.” 

“Even with the baby?” She asked and I nodded. “Uh… And your husband agrees with that?”

“Of course.” Not that he had anything to say about it, I added in my mind. In fact, I hadn’t really told Jamie about working at the Hôpital. He knew I wanted to come back to see Mother Hildegarde, but I had never explicitly said I was planning on working here full time. I thought I had made my intentions clear, but still.

“Alright, then.” She smiled. “Well, there is a need for help, that is sure.” She gave me a apron I put on my beautiful clean dress. “Let’s see how you’re doing after all these years.”

I didn’t see time go by, too busy with dislocated shoulders and open guts to see it was now dark outside. “Maybe I should go,” I told Mother Hildegarde after a little surgery, when we were washing our bloody hands. “My husband will be expecting me back home. I’ll come back tomorrow.”

When I arrived home, Jamie was pacing in the living room looking worried. “Christ, Claire!” he said, taking both my shoulders in his hands. “I’ve been worrit sick!”

Before he could give Jamie a chance to scold him, Fergus hurried in the kitchen. 

“I told you I was going to see Mother Hildegarde,” I told him, taking my coat off.

“Aye, but tis past eight now. Where is her hospital? In Compiègne?”

I was a little taken aback by his attitude. I was so excited to share my day with Mother Hildegarde with him, I thought he would be happy to hear about my day. He knew I missed healing people and I thought he’d be happy that I had finally found the courage to go see her, especially after the unending weeks I had spent wandering inside this bloody home. Apparently I had been wrong.

“What’s the problem, Jamie?” I asked with a calm voice.

“The problem? Ye are going to tell me that you spent the day in a place filled with dying people.”

“I only wanted to help. What’s wrong with that?”

“Ye touched the sick? Have ye no mind lass?” he said in a loud voice that surprised me. He usually was calm, but seeing him like that almost scared me. 

“Of course, I helped Mother Hildegarde healing the people in the hôpital. You should’ve seen it, Jamie. There were so many helpless people, I couldn’t just--”

“Ye didna thought about the bairn ye’re carrying? Do ye not know how dangerous being wi’ child is, Claire? Ye already risk yer life and now ye go running around touching dying people?”

I closed my eyes, a sigh escaping my lips. “Jamie… The people I helped had no--”

“Ye canna know it! And maybe ye dinna care about ye or the bairn, but I do!” he screamed, turning his back to me, his fists clenched. He stayed silent, breathing hard. I was astonished by his attitude, he had never acted like that with me, but as disappointed as I was by it, I understood his worries. “I dinna want ye to go see her again, Sassenach.”

“What?” 

“Ye heard me,” he whispered, his back still turned to me. “Maybe yer too foolish to see it, but I do. Go back when the bairn is born, expose yerself to dangerous diseases, but dinna do it when yer carrying my child.”

“Your child.” I repeated, trying to hold my anger. “Do you really think I didn’t consider the baby? You really think I’m that stupid, don’t you? Monsieur now goes to the university so he’s brighter than everyone around!” I said, letting it all pour out of me, the weeks of helplessness I felt being stuck between the walls of this house, like a prison while he was out there living his life without me. “I was careful, and I will be, but you cannot tell me to stay here. Do you know how hard it was for me to do nothing and live a luxurious life when there are people dying down the street? To not being able to do what I love the most? Today, I felt… Happy. I was me again, not only the presentable wife you want me to be.”

“The bairn is your only concern right now.” He said in a stoic voice. “Yer my wife, Claire. If I say ye stay here, ye will.”

“Your wife. Your wife. You think I’m your property, don’t you? Well, listen to me James Fraser, I will do what I want. And I’ll go back helping those people while you’re gone. You know how important this is for me why can’t you support me?” I said, the tears that had been veiling my eyes for a while were finally running down on my face. I didn’t want to cry in front of him, not right now. “The baby, our baby will be alright. I know what I’m doing better than you.”

He looked up at me, his jaw tightly clenched. “Alright, then.” he said, his voice low and hurt. “Ye’ll excuse me for worrying about ye and the bairn.”

It was at the moment when Jamie left to climb the stairs to our room that everything changed. As the days went by, Jamie became more distant. He came home very late at night, barely talked to me anymore. I was longing for his touch, I just wanted him to look at me and see me. I had a big belly now and I saw him looking at it when he thought I wasn’t aware of it and I could see the longing in his eyes. He wanted to touch it, he wanted to speak to our baby, but for that he had to talk to me first and he was too stubborn to make the first step towards me.

Of course, I went to help Mother Hildegarde again. I spent all my days at the Hôpital with Fergus, helping the sick. I took care of which patients I healed, but it wasn’t enough for Jamie. Since that fight, he was distancing himself for me. I thought it was foolish, but I was stubborn too and as long as I knew that what I did was not dangerous to my child, I wouldn’t break. I knew this wasn’t a competition and we acted like children, but I thought maybe it was the only way of not letting his attitude get to me. 

One night, I was lying in bed. He wasn’t there, of course. He was never there when I most needed him. I guessed it was because of the pregnancy, but I felt the strong need for him to take me. He hadn’t in weeks and the needs of my pregnant body didn’t help one bit. “Jamie Fraser, where the hell are you?” I whispered, letting the hand the was resting on my breast slide down between my legs. I was angry at him for acting like this. It was immature, especially when it was the time I needed his support the most. 

With a sigh, I slid one finger inside of me. Damn you, Jamie.

***

He knew it was stupid. In fact, he hated himself for acting like this, but he couldn't help it. Every night, when he was lying in bed, he felt the weight of all his worries pressing down on his chest, choking him, waking him up until the sun rose. The worries about the bairn coming, making him think maybe he wasn’t ready to be a father, after all, he knew nothing. He wanted to be the best father for the bairn, to love it, to make its life better, but he was scared he would fail. Claire was his deepest worry. His mother helped a lot with the births in Lallybroch and he knew many women died of it. Just the thought of losing Claire, all of that because he couldn’t keep his cock in his breeks broke his heart. He would never be able to live, let alone raise a child without her. She was his heart and his soul and the only person who could make him happy like he was when she was around. 

It was stupid, but he thought that turning away from her, giving her space helped a little. 

He spent most of his nights in brothels with friends from university. Of course, he never looked at a whore, they were only there for drinking and what some of his friends did when they left didn’t concern him. He knew in his heart that his place was by his wife, not there, but there was a strength from the outside that made him accept their invitation every night.

“Oh, yes, she was begging for it.” Robert, one of the students Jamie could barely tolerate, said with a grin. Everybody laughed, like they always did when one of them made a joke about women. 

He didn’t appreciate the joke they made about lying with a woman. Even if it was his own doing, he hadn’t lain with Claire in weeks and everytime he saw her, he felt the need of her grow stronger. She was so beautiful, with the bairn in her belly, her hair wild around her face at night, but he was afraid that if he touched her, he’d hurt her or the baby. He tried not to think about it, concentrate on university, but women were the only thing his friends talked about.

“Well, Jamie here is the best to agree with you!” Charles said. The eight heads present turned to him, a grin of their face. “His wife’s pregnant.”

“Pregnant!” One of the student who was with them for the first time said. “What the devil are you doing here, then? If I were at your place, I don’t think I’d even bother leave her bed for university.”

Jamie felt uneasy under the weight of their gaze. “What do you mean?” He asked.

Everybody laughed, making his discomfort even worse. Charles put his hand on his friend’s back, a grin on his face. “He’s… New to this. Only been married for what? Six months?”

“Uh… Eight.” Jamie said in a low voice. 

“Ah, well, what Denis means is that when a woman is pregnant… She is… How to say it?”

“Needing it.” Robert said with a grin. “When my wife was pregnant… She was always asking for it. She exhausted me. And not only that, but she always you know...”

This comment stirred laughs and comments on St. Germain’s abilities in bed, but Jamie didn’t listen to them. He was only thinking about his wife and that he was a fool for not realizing that all this time, she had wanted him, while he thought he needed to protect her. He got up and said goodbye to his friends, ignoring their comments about his imminent departure.

***

She was asleep when he arrived home. The sleeve of her shift had fallen off her shoulder, revealing the delicious skin of this area of her body. He took his clothes off, never taking his eyes off her, making sure he made no noise. For the first time in a few days, he slipped under the covers and turned his body to her. She must have felt his presence for she opened one eye and looked at him. “Hi,” was the first thing she told him in a few days.

“Hi.” He smiled. “Claire, I’m… I’m sorry.” He whispered.

She was still dazed with sleep. She closed her eye and whispered something he didn’t understand. 

“Do ye want me?” he asked, tentatively putting a hand on her belly. It had been a while since he last touched it and it was bigger now, making his heart frantactically beat in his chest.

She opened her eyes, looking at him as if wondering if she was dreaming. “Yes.” she whispered and he bent down to kiss her. It was a soft kiss at first but it soon became hungry. His hands were everywhere on her body, the body he had been longing to touch for so long. She moaned in his mouth as he ran a finger between her legs. “Jamie,” she whispered, her hand painfully grabbing a handful of his curls. The throbbing in his cock was painful making him want to take her right now, but he wanted to do it so she would be pleased first. 

He kissed her lips deeply, his tongue colliding against hers with a power that made him moan. He kissed down her jaw, biting the skin to her neck, his hands grabbing her breasts. “Oh, God, Jamie.” she moaned, her feet pushing the back of his legs for proximity. He kissed the sensitive skin on her neck, biting and licking, the noises she was making encouraging him he was doing the right thing. “Oh, God.” she repeated, panting. “Don’t stop.” He kept kissing her passionately until he felt her shake under him. She cried out, grabbing his hair so hard he was afraid she was going to pull them off his head. He pulled away from her, looking at her with wonder in his eyes. 

“How… I… You…” he stuttered as she opened her eyes to look at him, licking her lips.

“Yes,” she breathed before turning him on his back and straddling him. 

It was the most erotic moment of his life.

“What do ye want me to do?” He panted.

She looked at him with eyes filled with lust. “Take me.”

“But the bairn, I dinna want to.”

She took his cock in her hand, making him groan and reach to grab the sheet. “Christ, Sassenach. Ye have a lot of strength in her wee hands.”

“Is it too much for you?”

He smiled as she moved to take him. They both sighed when she sat down on him and started making slow motions with her hips. She bit her lips, her head pulled back and her eyes closed as she felt him fill her.

“I hope the bairn willna remember this.” He moaned as she rolled her hips against him. 

She chuckled, not really paying attention to what he was saying. She knew what she wanted and was ready to take what he had to offer. He sat up and started kissing her breasts. She moaned as he flicked his tongue around her hard nipple. “Oh,” she breathe. “That’s good.”

He did the same to the other breast and when he gently bit her breast, he felt her clench around him and she squeaked in his ear. “Again?” He asked. 

“Don’t stop,” she ordered and started rocking her hips faster. “Oh, God, don’t stop.”

He moved with her, looking into her eyes as they both built their climax. With one last thrust, he moaned and spilled inside of her. He didn’t even take the time to catch his breath, but turned her on her back and bent to kiss the inside of her thigh. 

Not long after, they were both lying on top of the covers, trying to catch their breath. “I’m…” he started and chuckled, looking up at her. “How many times did ye… Uh…”

She grinned, running a hand on his chest, the friction of her fingers on his skin making every hair of his body stand up. “I don’t really know… I didn’t count.” 

They laughed, sheepishly looking at each other. “Ye feel alright?”

She batted her eyes veiled with lust after their breathtaking love making. “What do you think?”

“I mean… The bairn is… I didna hurt ye.”

Claire shook her head and turned to face him. “I liked it… I… Needed it.” She said, her cheeks turning pink.

Jamie grinned, running a hand in her curls. “Good.”

She bent to kiss him delicately on his burning lips. He moaned slightly in her mouth and she laid her head on his chest. “I liked it too… I… Didna ken pregnant woman wanted to do it. So next time ye want to do it, I’m… I’m available.”

Chuckling, she kissed the skin on his chest, gently biting. “Well, that’ll be… Often.”

He smiled and kissed her hair. The temperature in the room had cooled down and it was now freezing. He put the covers on their bodies and snuggled against her. “I’m so sorry, Claire. I was stupid…”

“Yes,” she interrupted him, surprising him. “But I have my part in it as well.”

“I dinna wish to explain myself, it wasn’t right, but…” he trailed off.

“Tell me,” she encouraged him. 

He stayed silent for a while, his hand caressing her soft curls. “I’m worried. About the child and mostly about ye… The chances that something happens… I dinna wish to think about the fact that I could lose ye, Sassenach. I’ve seen many women from Lallybroch die while giving birth.”

“You won’t lose me. I know… There’s always a chance. I’m aware of it. But I’m in good health, probably much more than all the women at Lallybroch.”

“Aye and ye have the hips to bear a child.” he said, his hand grabbing her round arse and fondling it.”

“What?” She pretended to be shocked. 

“But I love you like this,” he said with a slap on her butt. 

They stayed silent a moment, until she looked up at him and gently put a hand on his chest. “But if anything should happen to me…”

Just her mentioning it made his stomach fall to his feet. “Claire…”

“Listen. If anything should happen, promise me you’ll take care of the baby and you’ll love her.”

“Her.” He smiled. He looked into her soft whisky eyes and he couldn’t say no to her. His heart was filled with joy, just being around her, holding her tiny body in his arms. He could never bear losing her. “I promise.” 

“I’m sorry if I’ve been distant too, Jamie.” she ran a hand on his chest. “I was hurt by the way you acted with me after I went to see Mother Hildegarde.”

“I’m sorry.”

She took his face in her hands and kissed him. “I just… I needed you. Your support in this. You were always away doing… God knows what.”

He swallowed hard, remembering he had never told her about his nights out in brothels. 

“What?” she asked alerted, sitting up on the bed. “Is there something you’d like to say?”

Jamie cleared his throat, sitting next to her. It was a dangerous path he was walking on, and with Claire’s unpredictable reactions, he had to chose his words carefully. “Well… Uh… I just never thought of telling ye where I went at night. Uh… With friends from the Université, we’d go have a drink.” She squinted her eyes, trying to see where he was heading. He nervously scratched the back of his neck. “At uh… Madame Elise.”

A noise came out of the bottom of her throat. “A brothel.” she said in a calm voice that scared him. “So you’re telling me that the reason why you haven’t touched me in months is because you were too busy plunging your cock into whores.” She said, her voice trembling.

“Christ, Claire! No!” he said, reaching to touch her but she pushed his hand away. 

“No? So what the fuck were you doing in a brothel? Every-fucking-night?” She got up and hastily put her shift on. Jamie followed her, trying to calm her.

“I never… went with one. I was only here to drink. I swear, Claire. I’d never do this to ye.” he said, following her into the room.

“How am I supposed to believe you when you’ve been lying to me for months?”

“I wasna lying!” He tried to help his cause, but the look she gave him made him understand he was only making it worse.

Suddenly, realization washed on her face. “That explains the mark on your neck… The mark you said was because of your coat.” She was in pain, he could see it on her face and it broke his heart. “You fucking piece of shit.” She said before taking her gown and make move to walk out of the room.

“Claire, wait!” he pleaded.

“Don’t speak to me.” she whispered and closed the door behind her.

***

I hated to cry like this. I had never been a person who cried easily, but when it came to Jamie, for whatever reason, I couldn’t help myself. The way I felt about him was so strong I couldn’t help it. And of course, the pregnancy wasn’t helping either.

There was another bed, far from our room. I opened the blue curtains and lied down, my hands protectively wrapped around my belly. Tears were running down on my face and I couldn’t stop them. 

I felt betrayed. Betrayed, foolish, stupid and completely alone. All I wanted was my mother to be here and hold me. I had made peace with my parent’s deaths long ago. But now that I was pregnant, I needed her more than ever. Until now, I had been able to control the stress and panic that suddenly woke me up at night. But now, I was truly alone. I couldn’t count on Jamie, even if he was telling the truth.

Do you believe him? I asked myself. Foolishly of me, I did, but it didn’t mend anything. It didn’t change the fact that he prefered spending his evenings with drunk friends around whores than with me and his baby he so wanted to protect. “I hate you, Jamie Fraser.” I whispered to myself and cried until sleep finally came and calmed my sorrow.


	13. Faith

I was dead. Everything around me was a blinding white, and there was a soft rushing sound, like the wings of angels. I felt peaceful. And bodiless, free of terror, free of rage, filled with a quiet happiness.

***

The baby wouldn’t stop crying, perhaps she felt that her mother was in danger. Jamie didn’t hear it, though. Only the sound of the nurses talking, worried about his wife’s state while Mother Hildegarde washed the newborn. “Claire…” Jamie said in a choked voice that only he heard. He swallowed, tears veiling his eyes as they tried to wake her up. “Claire. Je suis la, ma chère,” Mother Hildegarde kept repeating while the surgeon, a Monsieur Forez, gave orders to the nurses. Her face was white like the sheet she was lying on and every second that went on, she looked even worse. “No…” he whispered, tears streaming down his face. “No!” he said louder.

Mother Hildegarde gave his child to one of the nurses and took his arm. “Monsieur Fraser… You should go.” 

He shook his head, but didn’t resist as she guided him out of the room. With one last glance over his shoulder, he saw his wife’s chest slowly rise while a nun sitting next to her repeated a prayer over and over again.

***

The house was calmer now. It was the middle of the night and Jamie was sitting next to Claire. She was still alive, thank God, but she was burning with fever and her body was shaking uncontrollably. Every fifteen minutes, he had to dip the cloth that was on her forehead into cold water and put it back. He could see she was cold, but he didn’t know what to do. Mother Hildegarde had ordered him not to cover her with the blanket, saying her temperature would likely rise instead of go down. He didn’t really understand why, but thought that if Claire trusted her knowledge, he should too. 

Her hand, which was usually strong now seemed flat and weak in his. During all the time he spent by her side, he never stopped praying for her, but as the hours went by, he started losing faith.

“Mister Fraser,” said a low voice from the doorframe.

He didn’t turn around, never leaving his wife out of sight. “Aye?”

“I can take care of her. Your daughter needs you.” Mother Hildegarde said, coming to stand on the other side of Claire’s bed.

“I canna leave her,” he whispered. “Not like this. I need to be here.”

“The baby is crying.” 

Jamie swallowed, feeling as if his guts were being ripped out. The baby. He hadn’t even looked at her properly. The only thing he had in mind was Claire and until she recovered, he wouldn’t be able to look at this child who would be the cause of his wife’s death. He clenched his jaw and didn’t answer until she left the room.

“I’m so sorry, mo chridhe.” he whispered, kissing her knuckles. “I ken I made a promise to ye. I will respect it, I swear, but I canna leave ye just now.”

She was unconscious but sometimes she said things that didn’t make sense, she moved a lot, moaning in pain. Every time he felt as if his heart would stop beating. So he went on praying.

It lasted like this for a few days. Jamie never left Claire’s side, starting to mourn the love of his life. He tried to have hope, but the look on Mother Hildegarde’s face every time she checked on her showed nothing good. Her case was getting worse, her temperature higher everyday and the shaking even worse. One night, he finally accepted Mother Hildegarde’s offer and let her be by her side. After all, she had known Claire longer than him, maybe she wanted time with her too. So he went into the living room and cried for hours. 

He was helpless, heartbroken, regretting the last months they had spent. They had ignored each other for stupid reasons and now he would have to constantly remind himself that he spent the same amount of time fighting with his wife that he spent smiling and loving her. He had promised to her that if anything should happen he’d take care of the bairn, but he was weak. And a coward. He knew he could never do it. What would happen? He’d go back with Fergus and the bairn, give her to his sister and probably wait until he could end this miserable life. 

The sound of the baby crying took him out of his state of mind. He didn’t know why, but his feet guided him to the room where the baby was sleeping. Suzette was sitting on a chair with his daughter in her arms, trying to calm her down. She looked exhausted and he realized that she probably had been the one taking care of her during the last few days.

“I can take her, if ye want.” Jamie said tentatively.

Suzette looked at him with surprised eyes and walked to him, handing him the baby. When he took her in his arms and pulled her against his chest, she immediately stopped crying. When their eyes met, he felt as if he could breathe again for the first time in days. 

Whisky eyes blinked at him, thumb in her mouth, her daughter made a cheerful sound that made his insides melt. Without ever looking away from her eyes, he walked back to the living room and sat on the couch by the fire, his daughter up on his thighs. “Mo ghraidh,” he whispered, looking at the child. She had red hair on her little head and beautiful sleepy amber eyes. “Your mother’s eyes.” he smiled, stroking his little girl’s cheek. She made another sound that made him smile and his eyes water. “I’m so sorry lass.” he said, a tear streaming down on his face. “I canna lose yer mother.” The baby blinked at him, a little finger in her mouth. 

Suddenly, there was nothing else in the world than him and his little girl. He started speaking to her in gaelic, words just spilling out of him without thinking about what he was saying. His fears about Claire dying, his regrets about the last months, his home at Lallybroch and his family she was soon going to meet. He kept on talking to her even though she had fallen asleep again. 

“Aye, yer mother will live… And we’ll go back to Lallybroch and we’ll be happy there. I have faith in that. Faith…” he whispered, his mouth curling up. “Faith Elizabeth Beauchamp Fraser. That’s yer wee name, a leannan. Mine’s James Alexander Malcolm MacKenzie Fraser. I’m yer father. Aye, I ken it’s a long name, but wi’ time ye’ll know it. Yer mother is Claire Elizabeth Beauchamp Fraser. She’s so beautiful… Just like ye.” he thought he saw the baby smile, but he told himself it was probably the lack of sleep. “Yer grandparents are named Ellen Caitriona Sileas MacKenzie Fraser and Brian Robert David Fraser. Yer auntie is named Janet Flora Arabella Fraser Murray and yer uncle Ian Alastair Robert Macleod Murray… Yer family will be so happy to meet ye mo chride.”

He went on talking to her, he didn’t know for how long but he felt peaceful and felt his strength come back in his body. “I’ll always protect ye, Faith. I’ll always be there for ye if ye need me and even when ye grow up and think ye dinna need me anymore… I’ll always love you.”

“Jamie!” he heard Claire cry from their room. He got up like a bolt of lighting and with their daughter held tight against his chest, ran to the room. 

“Claire!” he screamed, bursting into the room. 

She was sitting on the bed, her shaking body covered with sweat and blood on the mattress. He ran to kneel down next to her. She was awake, thank God she was awake. “What happened?” he asked and she grabbed his arm. 

“Master Raymond,” she repeated, looking around the room. She looked lost. 

“Master Raymond? The man ye worked with in Edinburgh?” he asked, thinking she might be dreaming, but he didn’t care. She had just got off a week of intense fever. 

“Yes. He was here… He saved me.” Tears were running down her cheeks. She looked confused, but he was just happy that she was awake. She started talking about infected placenta in her belly, but he interrupted her with a kiss on her lips.

“I’m so glad yer alive, Claire.” And for the first time, she seemed to really see him. Her eyes trailed down to the baby that was wrapped in a blanket in his arms. “Our daughter,” he smiled proudly. “I gave her a name… If ye dinna like we can change it… It’s Faith. Faith Elizabeth Beauchamp Fraser.” he said, gently laying the baby in her arms.

“Faith…” she said, mesmerized by the child she was holding. 

“Aye. Our daughter.” Jamie said and Claire looked up at him. She put a hand on his cheek and he gently kissed her.

“Claire! Are you alright?” Mother Hildegarde said breathless, rushing into the room.

She looked up at her and nodded, “I’m alright…”

The elder woman made the sign of a cross on her chest and started whispering “It’s a miracle” over and over again.

They sat looking at their baby for hours, until the sun rose.

***

The morning after, Jamie helped me bathe while Faith was sleeping safe and sound on our bed. “I’m still feeling weak. I can’t believe I slept for more than a week.” I said as he poured hot water on my back. 

“Aye, it felt like an eternity.” Jamie said and I turned to look at him. He had dark circles under his eyes and he had new wrinkles around his eyes and mouth.

“I’m sorry, I can’t imagine what it must have felt like. If it had been you…”

“Dinna fash, Sassenach. All that matters now is that ye,” he kissed my nose and turned his head to look at Faith “and the baby are well.” He kissed me, his lips burning against mine.

I put my forehead against him and closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. “I want to go back to Scotland, Jamie. If you want to stay, maybe we could separate for a few months until you finish -”

“Nay, I want to go back too.” he interrupted me and kissed me again. “I dinna think I can stay in this place any longer. Your place, my place and our daughter’s place is in Scotland, at Lallybroch. Not here.”

I sighed, relieved that he was feeling the same way I did. 

***

I was sitting by the fireplace in our room that night, simply looking at Faith. She was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen and I knew every mother said that about their baby, but it was true. I couldn’t yet believe she was mine, that I was a mother, but still the thought made my heart burst with joy and need to protect her. She was so small, so fragile and so vulnerable. 

Jamie kissed the back of my neck, surprising me. “Hey, I didn’t hear you come in.”

“I brought a wee visitor.”

Turning, I saw Fergus shyly walking into the room. I never thought I would be so happy to see the lad. “Fergus!” I exclaimed. “Come in!”

The french boy uneasily sat on the couch next to me, looking at the baby with deep curiosity. “She’s bonnie.” He smiled. 

“Yes, she is. Like her mother.” Jamie said, caressing my shoulder. “Do ye want to hold her?”

His cheeks turned pink and he shook his head, even if I could see he wanted to. “Here,” I smiled and carefully handed him Faith. She opened her eyes when he put her against him. 

“Bonjour,” he smiled at her, his eyes wide with excitement. “She is very beautiful.”

“Faith,” I smiled sheepishly, trying to stop my hand from touching her cheek. 

“She has Jamie’s hair. And your eyes.” he looked up at me with a shy smile. “She’s a nice lassie.” He gently handed her back to me. 

“My turn,” Jamie said. I got up and he took her from my arms. “I’m gonna teach her gaelic.” He said, looking thoughtfully at her. “And french and maybe greek if she wants to. I’ll show her how to fight wi’ swords and how to shoot wi’ a weapon. I’ll teach her how to knit,” Jamie smiled, looking up at me with a glint in his eyes. He knew that I didn’t know how, which he always thought was scandalizing. 

As he said all the things he couldn’t wait to show her - horses, chess, whisky, counting and reading - I couldn’t take off my eyes from him. His smile reached his eyes, making him look like a little kid. He was proud and happy and it made my heart burst with joy in my chest. He looked up at me and smiled softly, trying to wink but failing considerably. I smiled back and looked down at the baby who was a copy of him.

A week later, I went to see Mother Hildegarde at the hôpital for a very last time. My heart was heavy in my chest, like the first time I had said goodbye to her. 

“It was a pleasure to see you again, Claire.” She smiled at me. “I wish you well to you, your husband and your baby.”

“Thank you.” I said, trying to fight back the need to hug her, like the last time when I was just a child. “I hope everything will go well here.” She nodded and after a few more words we parted way for the very last time. 

***

Jamie looked as happy to be back on a boat as he did on our way to Paris. “Does your mother know we’re coming sooner than planned?”

“Nah,” he said, between deep breaths. “I didna send word to her since we likely will arrive before she even receives the letter.”

The sun was out for our last day in France, after a few weeks of clouds in Paris, it was more than welcome. With Faith in my arms, I looked at this scenery for one last time before we sailed back to Scotland. I had lived some of the most difficult periods of my life in Paris, still I left with a feeling of peace after receiving the most beautiful gift. I looked down and saw that my daughter was staring at me. “Ready to go home, darling?”


End file.
